Category: May

Bump on the Road

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads…  We’re up to Day 19 of Blog-A-Day in May…all downhill from here, in every sense of the phrase.  As you might remember, part of the purpose of the blogal experiment was to chronicle the whirlwind road schedule I had on my plate this month.  From a heaping helping of Harrisburg, to a decadent dinner of DC, the next course on the menu was a yummy…yam…of Youngstown (you try to alliterate with “y”).  Well, turns out we had to send that dish back.  When I called the Funny Farm in Youngstown to confirm my weekend there, I discovered I was working with a guy called “Closed For Renovations”.  

So, I’ll be spending Memorial Day weekend here at home.  Fear not, I’ll still have some comedy exploits to foist upon you as I’m competing in the May Madness tournament at the Comedy Spot.  64 comics go head to head in a bracket-style tournament for the eventual grand prize of $6,000.  I’m on the first show of the competition with local heavyweights Big Al Goodwin, Jake Young, Lucas Bohn, and Tim Miller.  Should be a great show.  Click the link for tix and info.
See ya tomorrow…

Technocrap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeff Ross, May, technology

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 18 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I’m caught in a quandary…a technological quagmire…and a couple other huge Scrabble moves. On the one hand, I got a brand new cell phone, with 3G technology that puts the world at my fingertips. However, these fingertips might as well be on the one hand of an Amish guy who just awoke from a five decade long coma. These fancy blinking lights frighten and confuse me…and these buttons are proud. I am at the mercy of these machines of convenience. Do you know what I realized today? I don’t know anyone’s actual phone number. I just push the button and take completely for granted that this tiny box will call my friends and family. When the possibility that my contact list might not transfer from my old phone to my new one, my left arm went numb. I felt like Burgess Meredith from that Twilight Zone episode where he’s the last man on earth, he has all of the books he could ever want to read and all the time to read them, then his glasses break. Of course, you probably haven’t seen it, since it was a black and white episode and Burgess Meredith wasn’t training Rod Serling to fight Clubber Lang.

Not only am I behind the curve with the phones, but I can’t get a goddamn video to upload. My computer can only handle the frame rate of a flip book, apparently. I picked up an HD video camera in the hopes of becoming a YouTube sensation. I recorded my above average performances from the Improv over the weekend. When I try to input the footage into my computer, it’s like trying to force feed an elephant…to a smaller elephant. So, no I don’t have any video reconnaissance of my great shows at the DC Improv. I may instead convey it through interpretive dance. Stay tuned.

Big thanks to the DC Improv for another amazing slate of shows. For those of you who watch Dancing With the Stars, check out Tuesday’s show. Jeff Ross will be roasting the three finalists and I’m hoping he uses the joke I gave him. It’s a fat joke aimed at Steve Wozniak about how the stars on the show orbit him. Keep an ear peeled. If I can figure out how to turn on the television, I’ll be watching too…

See ya then…

Puzzling

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, dave barry, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, phone, washington post

Hey there ‘Redheads… Day 17 of Blog-A-Day in May is here and with it, some minor challenges. First, aside from this blog, I’m pretty much incommunicado. My cell phone had been on life support for a couple days, and this morning it took its last gasp and emptied its bowels. Now I have to get a new phone, but I don’t want something that’s essentially a giant whistle with a bell on it, with a monthly bill of a pound of flesh. I just want to be able to text, talk, and take decent pictures with it. In the meantime, I’m training a carrier pigeon. So far, I can get mine to crap in Morse code.

Today, I took part in the Washington Post Hunt, a confounding scavenger hunt through the streets of downtown DC, using clues in the Washington Post magazine to solve puzzles that would give Rube Goldberg a migraine.

The sky was slightly overcast, which is convenient because it took a group of rain men to win the damn thing. My group and I went from puzzle to puzzle, noodling through the clues and we were sure that we figured everything out and that all of the other near 5,000 competitors were retarded…until it came time to fit all the puzzle pieces together and we realized that everyone else was playing Vulcan chess while we were playing tiddly-winks. Once again, hubris, thy name is Jared. Even though we didn’t taste victory, I did manage to snag a picture with one of the Hunt’s organizers and one of my favorite humorists, Dave Barry…

One show to go tonight at the DC Improv with Jeff Ross. The weekend has been amazing thus far. I shot some video last night, so I’ll have something postable tomorrow…and some more pictures.

‘Til then…

Every Breath I Take…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, fumes, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 16 of Blog-A-Day in May. Boy howdy am I draggin’ ass today. Normally, when I’m playing a club in town, I try to work my schedule so I’m not working the day job on Saturday. No such luck this time around, so I had to be up at 7:00am after getting to bed at around 2:00am.

A bit about what I do to pay the bills. I work at an auto parts and supply store. Nothing glamorous, but I can pay my mortgage on Stately Stern Manor, and they give me time off for road gigs. One of the primary services we offer is custom mixing car paint for body shops. So, the bulk of my day is spent in the paint room, breathing in technicolor. Think Fantasia meets How Green Was My Valley (I’ll wait while you click over to IMDB). Of course, we have giant exhaust fans to help disperse the vapors, but for the most part I spend my day huffing paint fumes. I’ve been doing this for awhile and it hasn’t pancakes accordion doorstop to me yet. When I die, I plan to donate my lungs. I’m going to have them backlit and hung up at the Hirschhorn…it’ll be trippy.

Another great pair of sold out shows at the Improv last night. I’m being spoiled rotten by the crowds. Seriously, the audience at the DC Improv is a gift. I’m going to try to get some video of tonight’s shows and hopefully I’ll have some clips for you guys on Monday.

See you tomorrow…

The Ides…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 15 of Blog-A-Day in May. If my calculations are correct, I’m at the midpoint of this month-long exercise. What better time to look back on the two week trail of tripe…? Sure, some of you might see this for a veiled attempt to pass off regurgitation as regular content. Just think of me as the mama bird, feeding you chirping chickadees…I’m running on fumes today…roll with it. And now the Top 3 best lines/blurbs so far…

3. From Day 4, the transcript of an IM I had with my sister about my nephew Mo’s recent spill…

Lauren: yeah, don’t know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad…

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days…didn’t look like our little moshe

Jared: awww… poor kid… he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d…but he’s really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth… the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that’s how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair… he’s wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey… i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, “told ya”

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said “told ya”

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don’t read… books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

2. From Day 6…

I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn’t shock me in the slightest. She said, “Because I constantly zip around the room.” And I added, “And because we clap when we believe you exist.”

1. From Day 12, reflecting on the death of munchkin, Mickey Carroll…

This story got me to wondering…how many munchkins are there left? The annual meeting of the Lollipop Guild probably takes up half a booth at Chuck E. Cheese now. There was another story in the news today about how Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are paying the nursing home bills of the last remaining Titanic survivor. We’re down to two Golden Girls now too. What generational icons will we have when we get to that age? I mean, I’ve already started the clock waiting for the cast of The Hills to die.

Shows at the DC Improv for Friday and Saturday are SOLD OUT. The only tix available are for Sunday. Get ’em while the gettin’ is good.

See you tomorrow…

Two Weeks

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’ve hit the two week mark of Blog-A-Day in May. Thanks for sticking around so far. Not a whole lot to tell you. Just got back from a sold out show at the DC Improv with Jeff Ross. I’m told the rest of the weekend is pretty much sold out except for Sunday, so get your tickets while the gettin’ is good. Go to DCImprov.com for all of your ticket-buying related activities. In lieu of actual content, may I offer you some seafood…?

Lorenzo Lamas AND Debbie Gibson. That stink isn’t the fish.

See you tomorrow…

Still on the Fritz…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… My laptop that I brought on the road with me is still being uncooperative (and keeps calling me “Dave” for some reason) so, I’m going to put the turd in Saturday and just pop another place holder in here so I can keep the Blog-A-Day in May streak alive. Once I get home tomorrow, I’ll be fully operational again and I can properly foist my hackery upon you without any further technical impasse… Your patience is appreciated.

See you on Mudder’s Day…

Technical Difficulties

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, harrisburg, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for the cop out post, but I’m experiencing some technical difficulties here on the road. The laptop I brought with me is having connectivity issues, so I’m writing on the office computer in the hotel. But, I wanted to keep the streak alive, so here’s a small place holder post for Day 8 of Blog-A-Day in May… Rest assured, tomorrow will be super happy double stuffed installment, including a review of Wolverine, my two shows tonight here at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve seen recently at the mall here…

‘Til then…

Cinco de Blog-o

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in cinco, comedy, Dom Deluise, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, mayo

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Cinco de Mayo. And happy Day 5 of Blog-A-Day in May. As happy as it can be in this weather. It’s another wet bag of shit day in the Washington, DC area. Hardly the sun and fun that you need when you’re wearing a sombrero and washing down your tacos with a Corona. Forget the lick and the slam…today just sucks. But I’m sure that won’t stop people from binge drinking in the name of Mexican independence…or whatever the hell today is supposed to commemorate. I’m worried that this is the day that the swine flu pandemic explodes…because everybody is Mexican today.

With the squeeze of lime revelry that today brings, it is tinged with some salty sadness. Last night, we lost Dom Deluise. I was never a big fan of the Cannonball Run movies. For my money, Dom’s best stuff was in Mel Brooks’ stuff…

There’s your trifecta, by the way. Dom Deluise, Danny Gans, and Bea Arthur.

Enjoy your tequila hangovers tomorrow…see you then.

For Example…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cute, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lesson, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s a dismal day 4 of Blog-A-Day in May. To cheer you up, here’s an excerpt of am IM between my sister and I about my impossibly cute nephew, Moshe. Here’s a quick cuteness refresher…




He fell down. Went boom. But a lesson was learned…

Lauren: yeah, don’t know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad…

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days…didn’t look like our little moshe

Jared: awww… poor kid… he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d…but he’s really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth… the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that’s how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair… he’s wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey… i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, “told ya”

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said “told ya”

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don’t read… books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

See you on Cinco…