Category: May

J/B/P/T-A-DAY IN MAY: ONE WEEK

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Apocalyptica, Baskin-Robbins, comedy, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s still the 7th for five more minutes, so this one counts. Whether it’ll be worth counting is another issue (self-deprecation: check). I just got home from a great concert at the 9:30 Club. A Finnish heavy metal cello quartet by the name of Apocalyptica blew the roof off the joint. Do yourself a favor, click the link and give ’em a listen.

Ok…on with the jokey jokes. It’s been a whole week of JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY and I’m pretty happy that I haven’t let my usual layabout tendencies sink this ship just yet. However, in order to spread this joke jelly over a month long piece of toast, I gotta put my brain in neutral and fall back on the news of the day to fill the daily dose…

LOS ANGELES (AP) — The man who helped build the 31-flavor craze at ice cream store Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. Irvine Robbins died Monday at his home in Rancho Mirage, Calif. Daughter Marsha Veit says he had been in ill for some time. Generations of kids trooped to Baskin-Robbins stores to buy ice cream flavors like Pralines ‘n Cream, Daiquiri Ice and Pink Bubblegum. Robbins opened his first ice cream store in Glendale, Calif., in December 1945, following his discharge from the Army. Robbins offered 21 flavors at that store. His brother-in-law, the late Burton Baskin, opened his own ice cream store in neighboring Pasadena a year later. The two eventually joined forces.

This one will be a choose-your-own-punchline:

As a tribute, his remains will be cremated and mixed in with the jimmies…
or
Baskin-Robbins will introduce a 32nd flavor, Irvine’s Open Casket Crunch…

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY VI

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Howdy ‘Redheads… Once again, I’m squeaking this one in under the wire to keep the streak alive at six. I have to admit, my noggin is going to have trouble squeezing out 10 of these, let alone 31. What ‘m saying is, I’m open to suggestions…gimme a couple cliffs to jump off of.

Before I get to today’s installment, I found something cool that I thought I’d share. I’m sure you’re familiar with the Red t-shirts that The Gap hawks with proceeds going to charity. Stuff like inspi(red) or ado(red)…well, I’m pissed I didn’t think of it first, but I found this in my internet travels yesterday…


I dig it, but I’m inherently biased. Anywho, let’s see how much more funny juice I can squeeze from this tattered piece of Nerf I call a brain. Time once again for…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

We live in an age when everything can kill us. Phones, cigarettes, old age…life is a Star Trek episode, and we’re the ensign with the red uniform on the away team with the bridge crew. There’s one particular hazard that I think will be mankind’s undoing. We created this monster for our enjoyment and it’s only a matter of time before it destroys us. Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper. This isn’t a beverage, it’s a run-on sentence. I hope Dr. Pepper is an oncologist, because this chemical cocktail is enough to grow tumors in sand.

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY CINCO

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Jared Stern, jokes, May, mayo

Hola, ‘Redheads… I hope had a tequila soaked Cinco de Mayo. I think a great product tie-in would be Hellmann’s Cinco de Mayo. All the great taste of mayonnaise with a hint of lime. No, that doesn’t count as the joke for this post. This one will be a quickie, though. My head hurts. So without further ado, here’s the latest bit of dynamite hack in today’s edition of…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

In political ads, the candidates want you to vote for them, “for a brighter tomorrow.” I don’t want to vote for anyone that short-sighted.

Maybe the mayo joke was better…

See ya tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 4

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lottery, May

Hey hey, ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a funday Sunday. I just got back from seeing Iron Man at the Uptown. This movie was great. There was nothing that usually detracts from my enjoyment of a super-hero origin story. The action didn’t suffer for exposition’s sake, but they didn’t cut corners on character development either, there wasn’t an over-reliance on CGI effects, and the flick is genuinely funny in spots. A hoot. Geeks will want to make sure they stay to the very end of the credits for a fun treat.

So, we’re four days into May and I’ve already surpassed my blog load from April. I’m getting this one in just under the wire to keep my daily streak alive. Thanks to everyone who has given these a gander and offered some constructive feedback. I got some good ideas from comedy buddy, Mike Shader (there’s your shout out…go google), that I’ll share with you…

On your Jesus fish joke. The idea that some people who put a Jesus fish sticker on their car then decide that they can drive more like an asshole is a funny concept. I would not state it that the car “always has a Jesus sticker” since that’s just not true but maybe make it into a classic Jared math joke. 5 cars out of 100 have Jesus fish stickers on them. Out of 100 cars that cut me off 10 of them have the sticker. Jesus is clearly a bad influence on people’s driving habits. Or maybe there were caveats to his message “though shall be kind to others and respect their space…. unless its rush hour on the beltway and you are late for work… then cut the Jew off!”

Thanks Mike. That’s one to grow on.

Ok, time now for the fourth installment of…
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY

The lottery has crept back up to the triple-digit millions, so in the interest of financial planning, I’ll be dropping a five spot on the American dream of obscene wealth without having to do anything. I think I have a shot this time. I’m going to steer the odds in my favor. I’m going to get a job at a meat recycling plant in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Then, me and the gals in the secretary pool will all put in a dollar and play the numbers of our grand-children’s birthdays. I have to promise myself the when I win, I won’t quit my job at the plant. It’s a lead-pipe lock. The only thing that might stymie my plans is I’m not 65, but you’re only as old as you feel…besides, my Wii fitness evaluation thinks I’m 71.

See ya on cinco…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 3

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Greaseman, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, movies

Howdy ‘Redheads… Oy vey, the pollen is kickin’ my ass today. You can set a clock by my sneezing fits today. Speaking of clocks, I woke up this morning in a time warp. When I got in my car and turned on the radio, who did I hear blaring out the business end? The Greaseman. He’s back on DC101 doing Saturday mornings, doing the same waddle-doodle shtick I grew up listening to in the late 80’s and early 90’s…

Oh, the magic of radio. Happy not to be pulling those rabbits out of my hat anymore.

Enough of that. To help put the turd in Saturday, it’s time once again for
JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY
Where I foist my feeble hackery upon you, the ever tolerant populace. And away we go…

I think it’s time for movies to stop using the phrase, “From the people who brought you…” to sell a flick to the movie-going public. Judd Apatow has had one or two critically acclaimed funny movies…and alot of people were involved in bringing them to you. So, now, every piece of celluloid that has anyone from those movies attached to it is, “from the people who brought you Super Bad and Knocked Up.” Just because a gaffer from one of those flicks is holding the boom mic for the next one off the Apatow assembly line doesn’t make it good. Remember, the people who brought you Star Wars also shoveled Howard The Duck into theaters. It reminds me of my mail man. The same person who brings me my Urkel toaster cozy that I bought on Ebay also brings me my bills. Joy and pain. Yin and yang. Starsky and Hutch.

I think that one has legs. Short, stubby, polio-ridden legs, but it’s a start. Any thoughts?

See you Sunday…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 2

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, monkey, tattoo

Happy Friday, ‘Redheads… Wow, two of these in a row. Merely coincidence. For those of you with money on the line, the over/under for when I lapse on this lark is 5.

Sidenote: I’m pissed at myself today. For the whole week, in an effort to decrease my intake of unhealthy crap, I’ve sworn off soda and beer for water. I’m told this could help me drop a pound or two and make my insides less of a cauldron of filth. Well, after resisting temptation all week, I folded like a cheap card table and sucked down a vanilla Frosty Float from Wendy’s. Delicious, yes…and evil.

And now, JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY… It comes to us from a friend on mine, who sent me this picture…

I originally thought this was a picture of her tattooed tummy. Turns out it’s just a nutty picture she felt like sending. As you can see, the tattooee (Luke Skywalker’s hometown) has turned the belly button into a monkey’s butt hole. I have a rule that I try to live my life by, which is this: Never have more than one visible anus on your body at a time.

‘Til tomorrow…

JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY 1

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Jared Stern, jokes, May, writing

Okay ‘Redheads… As promised, today starts JOKE/BIT/PREMISE/TAG-A-DAY IN MAY. Taking a jackhammer to my writer’s block and passing it off as blog content. No promises on quality. This is about frequency and quantity. I’ll sift through the crap and pan for gold afterward. Any feedback is appreciated. And away we go…

People always complain about getting cut off in traffic. Yeah, it’s annoying, but can someone explain to me why the car that always cuts me off is the one with the Jesus fish on the bumper? I know you’re looking forward to life in the hereafter, but let’s stop trying to take me with you. They figure they’ve already been forgiven, so they treat it like a blank check for being an asshole. If you’re born again, that’s great, but I think you should have to wait 16 more years to get your driver’s license…

Maybe I can tack that on to my “How Would Jesus Drive?” bumper sticker joke…

See ya tomorrow…

Mayhap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DCUP, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Late Night Players, mash-up, May, Taglines

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to the first day of the last 2/3rds of this year. I’ve often found that time seems to pick up the pace when you have something to look forward to. If that’s true, May should be done in a couple days. I’ve got at least one show every weekend this month, and the capper is a big one. May also begins what I call The Gauntlet…a series of birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that conspire to turn me into a stock tip for Hallmark investors over the next three months. It starts with Mother’s Day, and I’ve already complicated things by signing up for one of the many things in May I’m looking forward to on that Sunday…I’m going hang gliding. And, yes, I’ll be the prick wearing the Superman shirt…don’t judge me. Anyway, more on that as it gets closer. I had 3 shows over the weekend that when the audience reunion is held next year, it could be held in an overhead storage compartment.

The first show was the sophomore outing for the new Taglines enterprise, run by my comedy compadres Mike Shader and Sean Joxe. It’s a cool little room inside the Fire Rock Grill in Columbia, MD. If you’re up that way, go check ’em out on a Thursday night. The first show they had was packed…this night suffered from a small sophomore slump. The crowd was about 12 people…until four of them, for some reason, got up and left. A general comedic rule of thumb, when it comes to crowd size, is that numbers are easily compensated for by exuberance. I’ll take a fun 20 over a disinterested 150 any day of the week. Those that stuck around were there to have a good time and they more than made up for softball team-like attendance. They were like the Spartans of laughter. The press came out to cover the show for a local Columbia paper, so hopefully word will spread and they can get a regular following.

The show on Friday was a fun gig opening for local sketch group DCUP and the Bostonian Late Night Players at the Arlington Drafthouse (please click on at least one of those…I’m slave over a hot keyboard for you people…). DCUP put on a show called the Boneless Chicken Cabaret, consisting of three guys in giant chicken suits who cluck through each of their sketches, while random audience members are plucked from the crowd to become part of the act. Easily, the most bizarre thing I’ve seen in a week (top 5, at least). Frank Perdue on peyote buttons…that’d be the best way to describe it. After they got done, the Players took the stage and put on their own bit of inspired lunacy. Afterward, the lot of us went next door for Thai food.

Yep…pretty sketchy.

I’d never had Thai food before, and I was mesmerized by the exotic sounding names of the dishes. I asked about the crispy squid and it sounded delicious, so I ordered it. I ate the crispy squid and it was delicious (my kingdom to whoever got that very very very obscure musical reference). Anyway, so yeah…the crispy squid was damn good…and spicy. The Thai like their squid HOT. Great going down, the opposite of great coming out. It felt like somebody lit Sigmund the Sea Monster on fire, then he hopped on the Great Space Coaster out of my ass. Turd flambe.

For those of you who weren’t toddlers in the 70’s

Enough poo talk. Besides being very cool guys, the Players hipped me to a cool sonic treasure trove where they get their scene change music from. They use mash-ups. Add that to my list of “Things I Wish I Could Do”, right under last month’s entry: lightsaber videos. I found some kick ass tunes that’ve been frankensteined together by DJ’s worldwide. Here are four of my favorite to tickle your tympanic membranes:
Call Me Phantom
Whole Lotta Sabbath
Champ in Black
Madonna’s Carcass
Put that in your iPod and smoke it. You’re welcome.

The last show of the weekend was at Ned Devine’s Irish Epcot Village over in Sterling, VA. Herbie Gill, the two Tylers, Sonnichsen and Richardson, young Jermaine Fowler, and I took the stage for a show that so few people saw that it might just be a myth. When we got there, there was a family of four sitting dead center…mom, dad, and the two kids…they lasted about 5 minutes. That left three couples. One sat in front, just to the right of the stage, and the other two held down the back of the room on either side. It created a Bermuda Triangle where laughter was lost, never to be heard from again. Actually, that’s not true. The six that stuck it out up through my feature set were attentive, responsive, and laughed audibly. Then, the back two tables up and left…and one of the two sitting up front went to the bathroom, leaving one person in the crowd for Herbie’s set. ‘Redheads, I’m here to tell you that Herbie Gill is a fuckin‘ pro. He took the mic, sat down at the table with the one person, and did a casual, intimate, and hilarious show. A few more tables filled up during his set, and they were enthralled and entertained. And Herbie did this with a stomach flu that had him sipping iced gatorade because that’s all he could keep down. It was a clinic.

That’s all for now.

To be continued…