JARED STERN'S ONLINE COMEDY CUBICLE

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, I’ve gone off the grid and left the wellspring of my thoughts dry as a bone. Well, I’m back to wrap up 2010, so you may drink from the dixie cup of my brain drizzle. Recently, I’ve just been using Facebook as a repository for my random observations, but that hardly helps you, my hopefully still loyal readers. My plan for 2011 is to reroute my postings on Facebook through this blog, creating a digital synergy not seen since my Roomba ate my remote control. This will mean multiple daily blurbs as opposed to the longer weekly or once a fortnight entries that I’ve been foisting upon you. We’ll see how long that lasts. I give it a week, tops. This is all a last ditch effort to draw more eyeballs in my general direction. If the right pair of eyeballs sees me flailing about on here, maybe I can attain Antoine Dodson-like celebrity. Anyway, here now is the year 2010 in as many statuses as I can squeeze in until Carpal Tunnel sets in. I hope you enjoy it as much I enjoy doing it to you…

Jared Stern…

…found it mildly amusing that AMC edited “Jesus Christ” out of The Matrix.

…witnessed Mother Nature in all her glory. The snow fell a tree onto a speed camera. You clock that, asshole?

…is having that dream where I’m at work on a Saturday after getting to bed at 2am. Wait, I’m not in my underwear. Crap.

…wonders if the Russians know that, by electrocuting Jack Bauer, you’re only hurting the electricity.

…would like to nominate whoever decided to do snow removal during rush hour for the Nobel Prize in Clusterfuckery.

…is right behind Slovenia in the Winter Olympic medal count.

…thinks Ethiopia should’ve sent a delegation to Vancouver to compete in Skeleton.

…thinks the In Memoriam segment of the Oscars will be long enough to qualify for a Best Mini-Series Emmy.

…liked Crazy Heart better when it was called The Wrestler.

…is a little bit OCD. A smidge. Ok, maybe less than a smidge. A touch. More than a touch but less than a smidge. Perhaps a tad.

…hereby dubs University of Northern Iowa bandwagon fans, UNI-tards.

…is excessercising.

…didn’t appreciate the Passover theme at the Luxor.

…would like to know where all the people who claimed global warming was debunked with all the snow are today, when it’ll be 80 on April 2nd.

…was called “subversive and horrifying” after the Friday late show at the Improv. It was a compliment. I’ll take it.

…is drawing a rough draft of a blank.

…can’t spell “mundane” incorrectly without “Monday”.

…is treating my allergies with prescription strength denial.

…has never had amnesia, I think.

…can’t spell “histamine” without “mean shit”.

…doesn’t know the meaning of the word, “lexicon”.

…is eyeing Alex Ovechkin as the #1 pick for my fantasy golf team.

…donated $100 to the Foxwoods Home For People Who Should Know Better.

…thought, instead of singing the National Anthem, Chris Brown should’ve thrown out the first punch at the Mayweather fight.

…is realizing that I may be a bit out of shape to run in Survive DC 2010. I’m getting winded typing this.

…is really good a word jumbles. Or I’m dyslexic. One of the two.

…has a new favorite sports name: Angel Pagan. His parents are devout atheists.

…wishes Pac-Man a happy birthday. Your haunted compulsive eating disorder has brought joy to us all.

…has the edge of my seat dusted off for the 24 finale. Give ’em hell, Jack.

…wishes Star Wars a happy 33rd birthday. Probably time to move out of your parents’ basement.

…isn’t sure which is more shocking, that Gary Coleman is dead or that Conrad Bain is still alive.

…always enjoys when the diminutive UPS driver stops by. I call him the UPS-aloompa. Today, he has perfect puzzle for me.

…is torn. This Strasburg kid is great, but he makes the line for my ballpark Ben’s Chili Dog longer.

…is getting just a little tired of being lied to by previews and reviews. Predators sucked like an airplane toilet. Do yourself a favor and go rent Aliens instead.

…once killed a man because he told me I couldn’t take criticism.

…just found out that Die Hard came out 22 years ago today. First, holy shit do I feel old. Second, to celebrate, why don’t you come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.

…thinks TLC should be renamed The Midgets & Cake Channel.

…has found that low expectations are like high standards, but with less disappointment.

…is fit as a fat fiddle.

…saw a guy with one of those magnetic ribbons on his car that said, “Support Tattoos”. Hey buddy, if you really supported tattoos, that would be etched into your bumper. You support temporary tattoos.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the– fuck, it’s still 100 degrees outside.

…just discovered that the storm killed my refrigerator. The food inside is now more spoiled than Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua.

…finished cleaning out my dead fridge. I’m pretty sure I heard a voice say, “Zuul”.

…heard Aretha Franklin broke four ribs in a fall. She also broke two sides and a biscuit.

…spent more time in a kayak this weekend than I have in any other palindrome.

This is my status. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My status is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my status is useless. Without my status, I am useless.

…does less all day than most people do before 6am.

…better whiskey up these cornflakes.

…heard the guy at the center of the Discovery Channel hostage situation is making demands. His first demand: SHARK MONTH.

…wants to know if there are any events planned for this once-every-hundred-years occasion that is 9/02/10. Maybe an Aaron Spelling Bee?

…had a great time up in Timonium for Laff-a-palooza. Our show was right next to the Maryland State Fairgrounds, where Justin Bieber was performing. Parking was tighter than one of his groupies.

…has 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters furiously working on my status. Sure, they work cheap, but the smell.

…is writing my concession speech. Here’s what I’ve got so far: Large popcorn, medium Cherry Coke, and a box of Sno-Caps.

…is venturing into the dark heart of Delaware with a bucket full of dick jokes.

Opulence. I has it.

…remembers when nostalgia meant something.

…enjoyed the rampant Brett Favre jokes at trivia tonight. Especially for the questions, “What type of nuts are used to make Marzipan?” and “What is the offspring of a donkey and horse called?”

…is voting o-nay on the measure to deport illegal Pig Latinos.

…is shaking hands and kissing babies. I’ve only mixed those up a couple times.

…wants to congratulate Joe Paterno on hitting 400. He doesn’t look a day over 395.

…is packing up the van and moving to the Capitol. Hills, that is.

“Then again, if it’s funny, then the hell with dignity.” – Leslie Nielsen

My inner curmudgeon is yelling at the rest of me to get the hell off his lawn.

…saw a white squirrel on the way home from Safeway. This gentrification thing has gotten way out of hand.

Thanks for laughing at me. Let’s crank it to ’11…