Double Double…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, Helen Thomas, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Strasburg, The Goonies

Hey there ‘Redheads… I just got done watching Stephen Strasburg’s debut for the Washington Nationals. The kid’s got a cannon for an arm. One thing I don’t get about baseball tradition. Why in the hell would you smear a shaving cream pie in the face of your new stud pitcher after the game? “Great game, rookie.” “GAH! MY EYES!” Why don’t you give him a celebratory cleated stomp on the hand while you’re at it. I’m not saying a pie in the face isn’t a great way to welcome a rookie, but why not use an actual cream pie? Embarrassing AND delicious.

As you know, many jokes come at another person’s expense. Some have smaller accounts to draw from and some can pay for years of ridicule. This installment of the blog is going to be making a withdrawal from the bank of Helen Thomas. Don’t know who that is? Well, here’s a picture to help you out…No, wait, that’s not her. Here ya go…No, that’s still not right. Here it is…She recently retired over some controversial comments she made about the Israelis and Palestine and mentioning that they should go back to Germany and Poland…on camera…to a Rabbi. Any time you tell a race of people to go back where they came from or make a vague reference to the Holocaust, it’s not going to end well. Helen was a fixture in the White House press room, and by “fixture”, I mean she had taken root over the 50 years she’d been there. It’s not clear whether she’ll be returned to Jim Henson’s Creature Shop or if she’ll look into a lucrative career spinning straw into gold. Is she even retiring or did someone finally just say her name backwards three times? She makes an English bulldog look like Joan Rivers. At this point, I figured the White House spokespeople were only answering her questions because they thought she would allow them to cross her bridge. After such a long stretch, she’ll probably just return home and spend more time gardening and frightening the crap out of her grandchildren. Or she may sublet your nightmares. Surreal estate, I guess. Anyway, Helen, I hear Poland or Germany are nice this time of year.

Also, a belated happy 25th anniversary to one of my favorite movies, The Goonies. Have a Baby Ruth and go exploring. Or do the Truffle Shuffle. Unfortunately, I’m much better equipped to do that dance now than when I was 10. Check this out. Apparently, there’s a deleted scene from the end of the flick where the gang fend off a giant octopus…

Finally, a very happy birthday to my impossibly cute niece, Riva…She’s the big 0-2 today. I look forward to sharing a Fudgy the Whale with her this weekend. There’s a nice visual lime wedge to bite into after the bitter tequila shot of Helen Thomas, eh?

To be continued…

Remember

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, memorial day, Rue McClanahan

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a memorable Memorial Day weekend. I managed to get three bbqs under my belt. Good food + good friends = good times. It was not a good weekend for the world of pop culture iconography, as we lost another pair, Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper. Both were disappointing, but not shocking. Hopper had been battling cancer and Coleman just seemed to be cursed.

When I heard that Gary Coleman passed, I did two things. First, I braced for the tidal wave of incessant parroting of his catch phrase, “What’choo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” Second, I hopped on IMDB to check out what else, besides Diff’rent Strokes, he’d been in. When I clicked on his page, there were a couple related articles regarding the fall that led to his critical condition. One of the headlines caught my eye. It read, “Coleman’s Diff’rent Strokes Dad ‘Praying’ For Star.” I didn’t know what was more shocking, that Gary Coleman was dead or that Conrad Bain was alive. Then I found out that Charlotte Rae was also on the right side of the dirt. Somebody check on Danny Cooksey…Turns out, Danny Cooksey was John Connor’s redhead delinquent pal in Terminator 2. Nice to see he found work. But I digress.

Next to go was movie legend, Dennis Hopper. My first introduction to Hopper was as the nutty hippie science teacher in the sci-fi classic, My Science Project. Do yourself a favor and rent it, if you can even find it on DVD. I never saw Easy Rider, but I loved him in Blue Velvet and Speed. I’ll do the man a favor and not sully his memory by mentioning Waterworld or Super Mario Brothers. As a tribute to Mr. Hopper, please to enjoy one of the greatest scenes on film, between he and Christopher Walken, in True Romance…

And now, because the rule of three must be satisfied (though technically it’s four, because Dio started the new cycle), we lost yet another Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan. I picture Betty White holding a sword aloft as lightning coarses through the blade… There can be only one! We need to be mindful of this precious natural resource that is slowly fading away. Without the beloved celebrities from our youth, what will we ironically reference? So, treasure the Betty Whites and the Abe Vigodas while they’re still here to be in Snickers commercials because pretty soon, that’s all we’ll have to remember them by…

Arnold Jackson, Clifford Worley, and Blanche Devereaux, you will be missed.

To be continued…

Closure

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 24, American Idol, comedy, finales, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jack Bauer, Jared Stern

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to the eagerly anticipated season finale of the blog, where all of your questions will be answered. Questions like, “Seriously?” or “Really?” or “No, seriously, really?” One question I’d love to answer is why I put off fixing the air conditioning in my black truck. It hit 90+ degrees today and I’m pretty much driving a solar panel with cup holders. I tried to beat the heat with a frosty float, but that melted faster than that guy’s face at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I’m here to wrap up all of the nebulous minutiae into a neat little package. I feel like I’ve got to keep pace with the Fantasia broomstick army of finales that’ve ambled down the pike over the last week, each carrying its own bucket to douse our expectations. I had varying degrees of emotional stakes in the big three tv finales of Lost, 24, and American Idol. I’ve seen maybe 3 episodes of Lost, I’m a huge fan of 24, and I always seem to get sucked into American Idol.

Like I mentioned, I had no idea what was going on with Lost, outside of the fact that there was a bunch of them marooned on an island. For all I knew, the Professor was going to make an airplane out of coconuts just as the Harlem Globetrotters arrived. My thinking was, if I caught the last 15 minutes of the finale, everything would be made clear. I could get the payoff without the five year emotional investment in the characters. No fuss, no muss. The person who got a payoff was M. Night Shamylan, who apparently sold the ending of The Sixth Sense to the show’s writers. So, they were all dead. The whole time. The island was some kind of purgatory. They’ve been blowing the smoke monster up the viewer’s ass for five years. They could’ve pulled the plug on this thing at any point during the five year run and played the “They’re Dead” card. Like I said, I’m not pissed about it, because I’ve spent about three hours with this show, but there are some fanatics out there who have a few more questions…
http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1936291&fullscreen=1

After the Lost dud, I dusted off the edge of my seat to gear up for the last two hours of the last very bad day for Mr. Jack Bauer. I’ve been all-in with 24 since the very beginning. Jack had me at, “You probably don’t think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I’d hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It’s very painful.” Bad. Ass. I’ve seen Jack tear out a terrorist’s jugular with his teeth, fake his own death, and tangle with just about every cast member of RoboCop. My friends and I have made two 24 fan films (feel free to watch Guys Watching 24 I & II, conveniently linked to your right…I’ll wait). So, with a heavy heart, I watched Jack take down a presidency for the greater good one last real time. The 24 finale pistol whipped Lost in the catharsis department. Everyone got what was coming to them. I especially loved seeing President Logan put a cowardly bullet in his brain as his world crumbled around him. Very Shawshank. And at the last real minute, Jack was saved for the greater good…the 24 movie. Which will hopefully be in 12 parts. Otherwise, you can only call it 2…or 2 1/2. Jack, you have the thanks of a grateful nation.

Last night, I checked out the culmination of weeks of semi-decent elimination karaoke to crown a new American Idol. And it was craptastic. In one corner was the dry white toast of Lee DeWyze versus the clearly more talented 5th Non-Blonde, Crystal Bowersox. The evening was duet after duet with some crusty rock legend. Seacrest might as well have cracked open a sarcophagus for some of these acts. Joe Cocker? That’s the target demo you’re shooting for? He looked like he was just barely getting by with a little help from his friends. They also devoted some time to some Simon Cowell retrospective, since he was leaving the show. My favorite moment of the night cam during an attempted roast of Cowell by none other than Dane Cook. He had a guitar of his own and was singing a ditty comprised of insults that Simon had hurled at the most delusional of the contestants he’s heard. Then, in a decision the producers would later regret, they let a bunch of these lunatics on stage to dance around. Long story short, Cook had his mic stolen by another idiot who thought he was being funny.

I haven’t seen Iron Man 2 yet, but if it’s half as cool as this, I’m in…

To be continued…

Running Joke

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, running, Survive DC, tag

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I had high hopes to have this to you yesterday, but I fell asleep in my papasan chair with my feet up while watching 24. Men plan. The papasan laughs. I had good reason to have my feet up, because I have shin splints. “Shin splints?” you ask incredulously, “But silly Jared, you can only get those from running. And you don’t run.” Well, under normal circumstances, you’d be right. I normally don’t run, mostly because I’m getting winded typing this, but this past Saturday, I ran the gamut of running, from a light jog to a full out sprint to doubling over and gasping for breath to begging for death’s sweet embrace (hell, this sentence runs more than I do), because I was being chased. I wasn’t alone. I was one of the 1200+ people who descended on Dupont Circle to take part in Survive DC 2010, essentially a giant game of tag through the streets of DC…It was set up to play out like a zombie outbreak, about 1200 runners being set upon by a handful of chasers. The object is to make it to six checkpoints throughout the city without getting tagged. When the runners get tagged, they become chasers and begin to hunt down other runners, until the numbers get downright overwhelming for the remaining survivors. I was there with some new found friends I met at the zombie walk from the last installment, and comedy super friend, Chris White. Together, we were Team Double Plus Undead. The first checkpoint was near Gallery Place and we were starting at Dupont Circle. While metro travel was allowed, it wasn’t advised since the path of least resistance would be heavily patrolled by chasers. So, when the whistle blew, we took off down Connecticut Ave. After about a block of sprinting, the harsh reality that the tub of goo I call a body wasn’t up to snuff hit me pretty hard. Once we figured out that we had cleared the first wave of chasers, our pace slowed down so I could stumble after the rest of my teammates. We made it to the first checkpoint unscathed, and I quickly took a seat so my insides could take a break from bouncing around. I was pretty much gassed and we had five more checkpoints and roughly six more miles to go. What’s the first rule of Zombieland? Cardio. Note to self: buy canned goods and a shotgun. I did catch a second wind or a second wheeze and we headed off to checkpoint #2, which was near Union Station. And we got pretty close before a nonchalant chaser took us off guard and tagged my whole team…except me. Turns out my flight response is pretty good. Unfortunately, I lollygagged a bit to see what my friends were going to do. That was answered quickly as Chris took off after me. The pursuit did not last long. So, now we were a merry band of chasers with no real pressure on us to run if we didn’t want to. All in all, it was a lot of fun. It’ll be more fun next year, when I actually put in some kind of cardio training. The next morning, I felt like I caught polio. I’m still sore.

A couple chances to point and laugh at me this week… I’ll be at the Baltimore Comedy Factory with my buddy, comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel from Thursday-Saturday. On Sunday, come check out a fun free show that I’ll be hosting at Union Jack’s in Bethesda. Erik Myers, Mike Way, and Tyler Sonnichsen are on the bill. The show starts at 7:30. DVR Lost and come check us out.

Before I go, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the falling of a Metal God. Ronnie James Dio, the man who is credited with inventing the universal sign for rocking out, the two-finger devil horns, has gone to the great gig in the sky. Look out your window tonight for a rainbow in the dark.

To be continued… Vaya con Dio…

Hi At Us

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Cinco de Mayo, Elena Kagan, fat, George Romero, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

Hey there ‘Redheads… You still out there? It’s me… I know, where the hell have I been? I’ve left you in the digital lurch since mid-March. I was 0-for-April. What can I say? Zyrtec is a hell of a drug. I’d like to take this time to remind all of you to help control the pollen count. Have your trees spayed or neutered. I’ve been pollinated into a slo-mo haze… That, coupled with a work ethic that I lovingly refer to as “slothy,” elevated my already potent powers of procrastination to superhuman levels. I was putting off stuff that had already happened. Seriously, this pollen is slowly choking the life out of me. It’s not so much that I’m allergic, but my lungs are filling up with this crap. But, for you, I’m sucking it up, or as best I can without my lungs seizing up, and getting back on the blog horse. With a week already wasted in May, I figured it was time to brush the dust off and get things back in gear before we reach a point of no return. So, let’s get caught up, shall we?

I’d like to congratulate Horatio Sans on his appointment to the Supreme Court…

Nice to see he found work. I’ve never been very politically minded, but I also never look a gift fat joke in the mouth, lest it try to cram me down its gullet. Anyone else find it mildly ironic that she’ll be casting judgement on the loftiest issues that face us and we’re judging her because she looks like she should have a pet rancor under a trap door in the courtroom? I’m looking forward to the movie version of the Elena Kagan story, Paul Blart: Supreme Court Justice.

Speaking of insatiable hunger, I unfurled my dork flag and participated in a zombie walk back on Cinco de Mayo (I’m glad that Cinco de Mayo fell on May 5th this year). The man who created the zombie movie, George Romero, was in town to unveil his recent undead undertaking, Survival of the Dead. So, a shamble of zombies assembled at the Greene Turtle next to Verizon Center for a bloody good time…
This was my first foray into having a social afterlife, and I was way out of my league in the make up department. I just popped open a fake blood capsule and smeared it all over my face…Not exactly Tom Savini quality, but it got the job done. And, it turns out, it’ll end up in the annals of zombie schlock, because the zombie walkers and I ended up as extras in an independent horror/comedy flick called My Boring Zombie Apocalypse. When portraying the walking dead, I prefer to go the method acting route. Act hungry. When we were done moaning and shuffling through Chinatown, we ended up at the Gallery Place theaters for a screening of Romero’s new movie and a Q & A with the man himself…The movie was just ok for a guy who created the genre. I’ve taken more of a shine to the modern day hardcore sprinter zombies of Zombieland and 28 Days Later that the remake of his Dawn of the Dead begat, so maybe I found his zombies to be old fashioned. Don’t get me wrong, both will use your intestines for bloody Mardi Gras beads, but today’s walking dead don’t make you wait as long.

That’s all for now. More soon. No, seriously. I mean it this time. Wait right here…

Prognostication, Baby…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in barking, comedy, heckling, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, St. Patrick's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I don’t have a clever coherent framework for all of the crap I want to get to in this installment, so pardon me if today’s batch of self-important blather seems a little scatter shot.

I hope everyone has let their livers sleep in a couple hours the last couple days to prepare for the all-day pickling it’s going to get on St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick was apparently the patron saint of blacking out and holding your hair while vomiting. I’ve reached that certain age when drinking for distance no longer does anything for me. Sure, I’ll wear some green and kick a ginger, but you won’t see me out at a bar wading through a sea of Guinness. That is ground zero for drunken douchebaggery. I’m Jewish, so I can’t give up crap like that for Lent. The Jewish equivalent would be called Owed, I guess. I’m here all week. Try the fish fillet. But none of that matters, because everyone is Irish on St. Patty’s Day. Even these guys…

I did a show up in Timonium, MD, which was named for the element on the periodic chart that conducts polite chuckling, on Sunday. I encountered the strangest form of heckling I’ve ever received. Towards the end of my set, a couple drunken Timoniites started growling and barking at me, just enough to throw me off my Swiss precision joke rhythm. I tried to ignore it, mostly because addressing it directly meant bringing everything to a screeching halt to deal with people who weren’t going to care or understand what I had to say in response. Plus, on the off chance one of them genuinely had Tourette’s, I didn’t want to look like a dick. I made some lame joke about them eating kibble and shutting the fuck up. Did I mention I’m horrible with hecklers? So many better comebacks showed up late to my brain as I was driving home. “Y’ever see Old Yeller, asshole?” or “Howabout to go back to the bar and sniff your friend’s ass?” or “Play dead.” I just wanted to vent that out, because I’d never heard of anyone growling or barking at a comedian before.

I can’t let that bother me, because it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Tourney Time. The time when my productivity plummets (granted, it doesn’t have far to fall) as I crunch all of the numbers, knowing that my brackets are going to be more brittle than Haiti’s infrastructure. This year, just about anybody can take it. I’m hoping this is the year that a #16 seed beats a #1 seed. And I hope that #1 seed is Duke. So, just to get my picks on record, here are my picks to click for the NCAA Tournament…

-In the Midwest corner of the bracket, where my Terps reside, referred to as the “group of death”, it’s going to come down to the winner of Georgetown vs. Ohio St. I’m a homer, so I picked the Hoyas over the Buckeyes to get to the Final Four. I love my Terps, and I have them making a respectable run to the Sweet 16, but that’s all.
-From the West region, I’ve got Syracuse in a cake walk to the Final Four as the only #1 seed to make it.
-Out of the East, where I have Cornell making it to the Sweet 16, I’ll take Texas to reclaim the perch they got knocked off of early in the season and make it to the Final Four.
-In the South, where I have Duke losing in the second round to Louisville, I think Baylor makes it to the Final Four.
-So, Georgetown faces Syracuse for the fourth time this season with a shot at the national championship on the line and two Texas teams go at it on the other side of the bracket. I’ll take Syracuse vs. Baylor for the championship. Go Orange. Now, look for Syracuse to lose to Vermont.

Let the games begin…

Spring-a-ding-ding

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bea Arthur, Best of DC, comedy, Corey Haim, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, oscars

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Spring is here. I know this because I saw one of the first signs of Spring…bird crap on my car. I’m glad you stopped by. The weather has been pretty great lately, so I realize you’ve been spending less time cooped up indoors in front of the warm glow of your computer screen. But none of us can ignore the digital siren song of distraction for long, calling to us with witty status updates, links to shiny videos, or the gently whispered promise of fleeting friendship. We all crave pupil dilation and rapid eye movement and the sun can only provide so much. You’ve seen one beautiful Spring day, you’ve pretty much seen ’em all, but how often do you see crap like this…?

Speaking of celebrity death…ok, if I was typing this in 1988 it would be speaking of celebrity death, but the world is less one Corey today as Corey Haim was found dead of an apparent drug overdose. He’s best remembered for being in Lucas and The Lost Boys, and for being mistaken for Sean Astin in The Goonies. Like most faded child stars from the 80’s, he recently tried to milk the Tiger Beat teat one last time in a reality show called The Two Coreys with the slightly less emotionally scarred Corey Feldman. Now he has to wait a whole year to get on that Oscar segment, but I suppose he’s got nothing but time now. Corey, we hardly knew ye…

One last thing before I sign off. I want to harness the power of my tens of readers out there to VOTE FOR ME FOR BEST BLOG IN THE CITY PAPER’S BEST OF DC 2010. If I’m going to lose another arbitrary popularity contest, I’m going to go down swinging. Sure, it’s an honor just to be nominated, but I nominated myself, so I’d rather get my name in the paper. So, if you enjoy the blog even slightly, click the link and love me a little. Voting ends on March 15th, so get clickin’…

To be continued…

Eye Candy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Abraham Lincoln, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Ok Go, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Peel your peepers and prepare to behold three massive doses of concentrated awesome. I recommend you take breaks in between each video. Your mind might begin to reject reality if you try to take them all in continuously. The rest of your day will look a lot less interesting by comparison. Enjoy…

Now go get some insulin.

To be continued…

Live From Clayton…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in boner, comedy, curling, easy bake oven, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, LOL Comedy Club, Sea World, Winter Olympics

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from Tobacco Road, by the banks of the Sweet Tea River. I’m sitting in the hotel lobby in Clayton, NC, mass murdering the minutes before my shows tonight at LOL Comedy Club. Before I get started, I’d like to apologize for the last post. It stunk out loud and I feel bad for even pushing the publish button. After making you wait so long (play along) you deserved something that even slightly made sense. Well, now I’m fueled by pulled pork and sweet tea and ready to mildly amuse you.

A couple deaths to start things off… After being missing since Valentine’s Day, actor Andrew Koenig was found dead of an apparent suicide. You know him better as Boner from Growing Pains. Don’t expect any Boner jokes here. I didn’t make the connection until today, but he also played the Joker in a pretty awesome Batman fan film, Batman: Dead End. Please to enjoy it…

Boner, we hardly knew ye… On the lighter side of death, my buddy Seth tipped me off to this recent passing…

Ronald Howes Sr., the inventor of the Easy Bake Oven that millions of young girls used to bake their first cookies, cupcakes and brownies, has died at the age of 83. Howes, who also created defense weapons and printers, developed the Easy Bake Oven while working at Kenner toys in the early 1960s.

According to his wishes, he’ll be cremated. That’ll be awhile. Then, there’s the big story about the killer whale that lived up to its name at Sea World. I’ve been watching that harridan from HLN, Jane Velez-Mitchell, out shout a trained animal expert about the incident. He’s had 40 years experience with animal training and she’s a bottom feeder. I’m sure these trainers know the risks of getting into a tank with a killer whale, but they’re not allowed to have pedophile whales at Sea World. Think of the children!

Like the rest of you, I’ve been intermittently transfixed by the pageantry of the Winter Olympics. Anyone else disappointed that the Ethiopians didn’t send a delegation to compete in skeleton? There, that slice of evil should make up for the earlier lack of a Boner joke. Some people are also confused by curling. I got a chance to try curling recently, and I have a new found respect for curlers. I was set straight on curling. The sport requires a flexibility normally reserved for Spider-man’s stunt double. Sure, it looks like bowling spliced with the ice capades, but it there’s skill involved. I’m glad that technology hasn’t taken over curling. They could eliminate the sweeping and just toss a Roomba down the ice, but thankfully, tradition has prevailed.

That’s all for now… Back to my room to watch more crap.

To be continued…

Meh…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Black Dynamite, comedy, DC Improv, Jared Stern, video

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Miss me? It’s been damn near two weeks since I was here last. As per usual, I have no good excuse for the blatant neglect, but I offer a half-hearted apology and a half-hearted blog entry, which adds up to some wholehearted mediocrity for ye. Try to contain yourselves. You’ll be happy to know that I’m making progress on being able to be in two places at once…if the two places are really close together. I’ve missed a bunch of holidays in my absence, so let me quickly (lazily) touch on a couple, through video…

PRESIDENT’S DAY

ASH WEDNESDAY

As you can see, I’ve put a ton of thought into this post. In no way is it just a lazy place marker. I could just go stream of consciousness and see how that works out. I saw what could be my favorite movie of the year yesterday. Do yourself a favor and shove this gem to the front of your Netflix queueueue. Black Dynamite. Two easy steps: 1) Watch Black Dynamite. 2) Thank me. In the words of the color commentator calling the USA/Canada hockey game, it’s “tremendously tremendous.” Please support that flick before you flush any of your hard earned cash away to see that atrocious hack piece of dreck Tracy Morgan movie, Cop Out. I realize I don’t have much of a leg to stand on making an argument like this, when this blog is currently craptacular.

Speaking of supporting quality entertainment, I’d like to let you know that I’ll be featuring at the DC Improv on April 1-3 for Ben Bailey, host of Cash Cab. Click the link for tix and info.

I promise to have a more focused entry for you as I emanate from Tobacco Road. I’ll be in Clayton, NC this Thurs-Sat at LOL Comedy Club. But you’ll be here. I’ll try to be in both places…