For The Kids…

Hey there ‘Redheads… I believe the children are our future. Actually, I believe that flying monkey robots are our future, but kids’ll do for now. Last night I did a show at the University of Maryland. I just got back from doing a gig in a high school auditorium. If the trend continues, next week I’ll be playing a maternity ward (I can promise one of us will have a smooth delivery…Hey, who’s crowning?…If you have the kid during the show, we’re gonna have to charge you again).
Tonight’s show was interesting. It was a fundraiser for the high school’s athletic booster club. It was an all-ages show…and by “all-ages” I mean there were children there. The youngest was 4…Julie…cute kid. Anywho, that meant I had to be squeaky clean. I’ve addressed this in an earlier blog…I don’t consider any of my material dirty, but it is slightly evil. My act is a witty descent to hell…light-hearted darkness…it’s up to the audience to decide how far they want to follow me down the rabbit hole. Realistically, these kids don’t know what the hell I’m talking about…they’re too busy contemplating booger consistency to be bothered with my blind stabs at wit. That being said, I do feel a slight twinge of guilt when I talk about eating kittens or Muppets with flesh-eating virus, on the off-chance that a nugget of my knavery get lodged in their innocent little heads, to be later uncovered after years of therapy.

Last night, I went back to my alma mater, the University of Maryland, to be a judge in the District’s Funniest College competition. I always love going back to school…especially to judge others. The campus has changed alot since I graduated. Brand new dorms…an overhauled student union…the school has had more work done than Joan Rivers…but looks alot less creepy. I made sure to show up to the student union a little early, to savor the flavor of the shiny new food court and thumb through the Diamondback to check out the latest Terp news. I spotted a pair of ads in the paper that I thought made a dynamite combo. Ad #1 was for the half-price drink specials of Ladies’ Night at EJ’s Landing. Ad #2 was for a fertility clinic calling for women to sell their eggs for $5000. I wonder just how often one leads to the other…just curious.

As it got closer to showtime, I was joined by my fellow judge Ryan Conner, the hilarious Erin Jackson, and host for the evening Chris White. Then the contestants started filtering in. Cool bunch of kids, for the most part. One guy was wearing a bright red fleece…his face matched his fleece. It was like a cherry Blow Pop had wished to become a real boy. I accidentally bumped into him at one point. I said, “Excuse me.” He replied, “Yo, it’s straight dog.” It was at this moment that it became painfully obvious that I’m so out of touch with today’s youth, that I make Regis Philbin look like Gideon Yago. I wanted to say, “I’m sorry…I don’t speak asshole.” He proved later on to speak it fluently.
I’d like to commend UMD, first for coming out in force to support live comedy, and second for showcasing a great batch of stand-up talent for the contest. There was only one low-light…the afore-mentioned beet red assclown. His set began with what can only be described a date rape foreplay with a young lady unfortunately seated in his hazy field of vision and stumbled through a drunken waste of everyone’s time until he was eventually escorted/booed off-stage. I’m pretty sure this counted toward some kind of frat initiation. He embodied the Revenge of the Nerds ideal of the shitheel fratboy. What an asshat. And the damnable misery of it all is that he probably won’t remember one shred of what happened, while we in the audience will have to try to forget him.
That malignancy aside, it was great to see a solid comedy community at UMD. When I got to school in the Fall of ’93, the only game in town was the campus improv group, Erasable Inc. A couple years later, I latched onto the coattails of some very talented people who were looking for another comedy outlet, and helped found the sketch comedy group, Sketchup. That group will be having it’s 10th anniversary on May 11th. Now there’s a stand-up comedy group, called The Bureau. Go Terps.
People seemed to enjoy the pictures in the last blog installment, so here’s a picture from the heyday of Sketchup:

That’s me kneeling in the center (my chin was pointier back then). If you look closely, you’ll also spot DC comedy stand-out, Alicia Gomes and KFC Buffalo Chicken Snacker commercial actor, Christian Zonts. Good times.

Sunday night is the Poonanza. 8:30 @ Staccato Lounge on 18th St. It’s the biggest bang for your entertainment buck that you’ll find in city limits…it’s free. Experience the magic. Ride the Poon.

On a somber note, we say farewell to Don Knotts. Mr. Furley, we hardly knew ye.

To be continued…

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