Hey hey ‘Redheads… Over the weekend, I had a wake up call that forced me to take a bold step. What were my sleepy eyes awakened to? I, Jared “The Galleria of Comedy”, am a tub of goo. My cuddly, creamy nougat middle is reaching ever-widening proportions. I’ve been in denial of my growing resemblance to Alfred Hitchcock’s silhouette but, after getting an unsolicited rubbing of my jiggly midsection by Ayanna Dookie, I realized that, if I didn’t do something soon, instead of using to find a girlfriend…I’d need it to find a midwife (run on, sentence…run on). So, to begin the excavation to find my abs, I did something I should’ve done about 9 months ago…I joined a gym. I have no good excuse for not having joined sooner. The gym is walking distance from Stately Stern Manor. To give you an idea of just how close it is, I’m getting winded typing this. Once I get my free initial consultation, I can be told by a fitness professional that I’m more out of shape than a Stretch Armstrong left in a hot car. On the plus side, I should be able to see results immediately. On the bad side, those results include blacking out after attempting push-up numero dos. I’ll keep you posted on the sculpting of my doughy, E.T.-like physique.

I’m also making it a point to get off my duff and hit the ever-expanding DC open mic scene. On Wednesday, I ventured out to Adams Morgan to check out the fledgling new room at Rendezvous on 18th St. I was joined by fellow DC ne’er-do-wells, Tim Miller, Erin Jackson, Jeff Maurer, Seaton Smith, Nick Mullen, and a host of others whose names escape me for the moment. The crowd went from a mere 5 people to a packed house of 30 (it’s a very intimate setting) within the first three or four comics. Unfortunately, I went first, so I got to interact with the mere 5. Nothing quite like telling a joke and being able to tell how well it did by doing a quick head count.
On Saturday, I headed out to The Laughing Lizard Lounge for the late night showcase. As I walked down King St, I heard the sound of an angry mob rousing rabble. Sure enough, there was a good sized crowd of organized angry folk incoherently chanting against something. Come to find out that they were there to voice their displeasure with a guy who, through medical testing, killed puppies. Way to take a stand, people. You really had to waste your right to free assmbly for that? As far as universally detestable actions go, killing puppies is in the top 5. Mostly because they’re cute…it falls in the same category with clubbing baby seals. You don’t need to get the word out that it’s wrong. No catch phrases necessary.

Bring it, Fucker.

The show itself was a fine display of what DC has to offer. Great comics like Jessica Paquin, Herbie Gill, Doug Powell, Ryan Conner, and special guest Keith Alberstadt gave the crowd something worth really assembling for…$1.50 PBR drafts. A protest against sobriety. Good times.

There’s more to get to, but it’s getting late, and I think I just pulled a hammy.

To be continued…

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