Greetings from slightly below zero, ‘Redheads… These past couple days have been downright frigid. The kind of cold that makes you want to kick Al Gore in his inconvenient truths. Ass-numbingly cold. So cold that I’m afraid to fall asleep, lest I wake up 1000 years in the future. Ok, you get it.
Howabout that SuperBowl, huh? Eight turnovers between the two teams. Four in the first quarter. Allow me to pull a line out of the blog archives (if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you) and say I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away at a dog neutering facility. And it was a sloppy bowl too. How would you like to be one of the poor shmucks who dropped a couple grand on a hi-def TV only to end up watching the crystal clarity of rain speckled camera lens? Hi-def blurriness…now that’s ironic…rain on your SuperBowl day (wish that reference a happy birthday…it’s 12). Congrats to the Colts, but I was pulling for the Bears. Not because I’m a fan, but because I wanted to see Peyton Manning push that boulder all the way up the NFL mountain only to see it tumble back down. Yes, I just likened Peyton Manning to Sisyphus. I’m all about the storybook endings…it’s just that the story I had in mind was printed on parchment. The commercials that I saw were ok. I was a bit distracted during commercial breaks…the house I was watching the game at had a Multiple Arcade Machine Emulator. This is an arcade machine containing roughly 3000 classic games from a half-dozen throwback systems. While the game was on hiatus, I took a stroll down memory card lane. Final Fight, Gauntlet, Altered Beast, Centipede, and a metric ton of obscure titles from the every corner of the digitized globe. Long story short: I want one.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve had the pleasure of judging the first two legs of the DC Improv’s DC’s Funniest College competition at George Mason and George Washington. It’s very cool to see these young whippersnappers give stand-up a shot. They ran the gamut, from first-timers to stalwart members of the DC open mic scene. For one of the winners from George Mason, it was his first time on stage, and before the show he took out a piece of paper and jotted down, “a few topics that’ve been going through my head.” So, it was his first time on stage and he went pretty much completely off-the-cuff…and he came off like a 5-year vet. These kids and their natural ability. Over at George Washington, there was a recurring theme…dick jokes…and their many conjugations, from frequent masturbation to blowjobs to erections…one dick, two dick, red dick, blue dick. It got to the point that they weren’t punchlines so much as pecker tracks. As the evening wore on, my judging criteria became, the first person to not reference his dick or it’s insertion into something, wins.
It’d be irresponsible of me to write a funny blog (play along), without mentioning the it story of the moment, that of lovelorn astronaut Lisa Nowak and her 900+ mile drive in an adult diaper, armed with pepper spray and a bb-gun, from Houston to Orlando, to whack the hypotenuse of an astronaut love triangle. All I have to say about this is, the pendulum of equality and empowerment swings both ways. Yes, any little girl is capable of becoming an astronaut, but any astronaut is capable of becoming a crazy bitch.
To be continued…