Month: May 2009

Eleven

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, nhl, Washington Capitals

Hey there ‘Redheads… The Blog-A-Day in May train keeps a-rollin’ 11 days strong. It’s nearly as impressive as the Washington Capitals’ playoff run. I just got finished watching the Cardiac Caps cheat sudden death once again to force another game 7 at Verizon Center on Wednesday. If the Caps keep this up, the fans won’t have any hearts left to break if things go south. I don’t know where your sports loyalties lie, but you can’t do much better than the NHL playoffs right now.

While watching the game, I noticed that one of my favorite sports names is on the Penguins roster…Miroslav Satan. I’m not rooting for him, but that’s a bad ass bit of stitching on the back of that jersey.

Just a quickie today…see you tomorrow…

Mother Load

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, electronic cigarette, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, open mic, Wolverine

Hey there, ‘Redheads…  Happy Mother’s Day to that special lady that spawned you.  And Happy Day 10 of Blog-A-Day in May…a greater accomplishment that labor? The jury is out.  We had a couple close calls the last two days.  I plan on picking up the slack on those two anemic posts with a robust, six-pounds-of-shit-in-a-five-pound-bag post.  And away we go…

Big thanks to the fine folks at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for a fun weekend.  Once again, the Harrisburgers were delicious.  I went up a day early to check out the Thursday open mic that is run by comedy buddy, the hilarious Sonya King.  The show took place in the bar adjacent to the main comedy showroom.  I’ve been pretty lazy about getting out to open mics, and this hammered home why.  Eight comedians, including me…four audience members.  When you can tell each person in the audience their own personal joke, it’s not much fun for anyone.  Everyone soldiered through with a smattering of…I think it takes at least ten hands to count as applause…this was disinterested clappery.  The comics attempted to workshop as much as we could.  It’s rough for the Harrisburg comedy community.  That open mic is pretty much the only game in town for them.  I talked to a couple guys who schlep all the way to DC to get time.

Since I went up a day early, I had the extra day to kill on Friday.  No better was to shoot time in the face than going to the local mall to gawk at the locals and catch a flick.  Some good dork fare out this weekend.  I chose mutants over Klingons and plunked down my money for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I’ll resist the urge to nitpick the dorky comic book aspects of the film. From what I remember of the comics, the movie didn’t butcher too much. My one major complaint was the waste of Ryan Reynolds. I’ve been a fan of his ever since Van Wilder. I can listen to him read the phone book and I’d be entertained. And once again he was great…for the first ten minutes of the movie, then he was just explained away while Will.I.am took a more prominent role. It’s a good thing his character could teleport, because he certainly couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. My other big complaint was with the logic of the nefarious General Stryker, who makes Wolverine indestructible, by lacing his bones with a super-metal, then gives orders for his men to kill him…by cutting his head off…with a herring. Yeah, I’m a huge dork.  Two adamantium claws up.
On my way out of the theater, I saw one of the dumbest things to cross my eyes in recent months.  At a kiosk outside the multiplex, a guy was hawking electronic cigarettes…

Want cancer but hate getting judged for it? Then this handy dandy item is for you. They might as well just cut out the middle man and sell rechargeable tumors.

Big week this week.  Not only am I going to see Spinal Tap on Wednesday, I’m back at the DC Improv from Thursday to Sunday with the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya Monday…

Still on the Fritz…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… My laptop that I brought on the road with me is still being uncooperative (and keeps calling me “Dave” for some reason) so, I’m going to put the turd in Saturday and just pop another place holder in here so I can keep the Blog-A-Day in May streak alive. Once I get home tomorrow, I’ll be fully operational again and I can properly foist my hackery upon you without any further technical impasse… Your patience is appreciated.

See you on Mudder’s Day…

Technical Difficulties

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, harrisburg, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for the cop out post, but I’m experiencing some technical difficulties here on the road. The laptop I brought with me is having connectivity issues, so I’m writing on the office computer in the hotel. But, I wanted to keep the streak alive, so here’s a small place holder post for Day 8 of Blog-A-Day in May… Rest assured, tomorrow will be super happy double stuffed installment, including a review of Wolverine, my two shows tonight here at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve seen recently at the mall here…

‘Til then…

And Now, These Messages…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in ads, baseball, comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 7 of Blog-A-Day in May and I’ve decided to dump the number-related titles. The blog is corny enough without having to try. So, the big news of the day is the 50 game suspension of LA Dodger, Manny Ramirez for performance enhancing drugs. Considering I don’t care about baseball already, the loss of one of it’s most compelling players isn’t going to affect me much. With all of the big name players on the juice, I think ESPN should just combine their coverage of MLB and World’s Strongest Man. I know I’d tune in if the players had to drag a Cessna around the bases with their teeth after a hit.

We’ll be right back after these messages…

…and we’re back.

So, we’re a week into this thing, and I haven’t botched it yet. Remember, last year’s attempt lasted 11 days. For those of you in the Harrisburg, PA area, I’ll be at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for hilarity-related activities. Click the link for info and details.

See you tomorrow…

Six Symbol

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, sandwich, Washington Capitals

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’ve only got an hour left to get Day 6 of Blog-A-Day in May in the books before the clock strikes midnight. Three quick things to share. Just got back from watching the Caps game at my buddy Greg’s place. Simeon Varlamov is a brick wall with a head. He’s the only reason the Caps didn’t get outright embarrassed tonight. The second period looked like a twenty-minute long Penguin power play…seriously, can hockey be played half-rink?

Before the game, we had dinner at one of my favorite little restaurants, Roy’s Place. Right in the heart of old town Gaithersburg. They offer over 200 sandwiches on the menu. I indulged in my favorite, The Dracula… Two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread. Yum-a-dum dum. Yes, the heart of old town Gaithersburg is kinda plaquey.

Finally, I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn’t shock me in the slightest. She said, “Because I constantly zip around the room.” And I added, “And because we clap when we believe you exist.”

See you tomorrow…

Cinco de Blog-o

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in cinco, comedy, Dom Deluise, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, mayo

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy Cinco de Mayo. And happy Day 5 of Blog-A-Day in May. As happy as it can be in this weather. It’s another wet bag of shit day in the Washington, DC area. Hardly the sun and fun that you need when you’re wearing a sombrero and washing down your tacos with a Corona. Forget the lick and the slam…today just sucks. But I’m sure that won’t stop people from binge drinking in the name of Mexican independence…or whatever the hell today is supposed to commemorate. I’m worried that this is the day that the swine flu pandemic explodes…because everybody is Mexican today.

With the squeeze of lime revelry that today brings, it is tinged with some salty sadness. Last night, we lost Dom Deluise. I was never a big fan of the Cannonball Run movies. For my money, Dom’s best stuff was in Mel Brooks’ stuff…

There’s your trifecta, by the way. Dom Deluise, Danny Gans, and Bea Arthur.

Enjoy your tequila hangovers tomorrow…see you then.

For Example…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, cute, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, lesson, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s a dismal day 4 of Blog-A-Day in May. To cheer you up, here’s an excerpt of am IM between my sister and I about my impossibly cute nephew, Moshe. Here’s a quick cuteness refresher…




He fell down. Went boom. But a lesson was learned…

Lauren: yeah, don’t know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad…

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days…didn’t look like our little moshe

Jared: awww… poor kid… he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d…but he’s really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth… the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that’s how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair… he’s wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey… i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, “told ya”

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said “told ya”

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don’t read… books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

See you on Cinco…

Back to the Threeture…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, jokes, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’m trying my best to get this one in under the wire to keep Blog-A-Day in May chugging along. Big thanks to the great peeps at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for a fun weekend. Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name.

So, onto the daily nugget of nonsense. Here’s the thing, and I figured this would happen at some point, I don’t have much to say. So, as a cop out, I’m reaching back a year and reprinting the entry from the ill-fated Joke-A-Day in May. Enjoy the year old hackery and I’ll have something for you manana…

I think it’s time for movies to stop using the phrase, “From the people who brought you…” to sell a flick to the movie-going public. Judd Apatow has had one or two critically acclaimed funny movies…and alot of people were involved in bringing them to you. So, now, every piece of celluloid that has anyone from those movies attached to it is, “from the people who brought you Super Bad and Knocked Up.” Just because a gaffer from one of those flicks is holding the boom mic for the next one off the Apatow assembly line doesn’t make it good. Remember, the people who brought you Star Wars also shoveled Howard The Duck into theaters. It reminds me of my mail man. The same person who brings me my Urkel toaster cozy that I bought on Ebay also brings me my bills. Joy and pain. Yin and yang. Starsky and Hutch.

I think that one has legs. Short, stubby, polio-ridden legs, but it’s a start. Any thoughts?

See you tomorrow…

Take Two Pillows…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Baltimore Comedy Factory, Bea Arthur, comedy, Danny Gans, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, Star Wars, tired

Good morning, ‘Redheads… It’s Day 2 of Blog-A Day in May and, so far, I haven’t missed a day (small victories, people). I’m working on about 3 hours of sleep after doing three shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last night, then having to scrape myself out of bed with a spatula to come to work this morning. I am formerly hausted. Normally, I try to work my schedule so I don’t have to do the day job on a Factory weekend, but things didn’t quite work out this time, so I’ll be spending today shambling around like an extra in a George Romero flick (brains, anyone?…anyone?). And that last show was a complete drunken fustercluck.

Allow me to explain. First, let me say that the Factory is one of my favorite clubs. The staff is great, the place is a block away from a Five Guys, and the crowds are generally awesome. However, the Factory does two things that alot of other clubs don’t…they have a late late show on Friday night and they offer all-you-can-drink tickets to entice patrons. This can create a perfect storm for drunken mayhem in the audience, making it a crapshoot for the comics stepping on stage. By “crapshoot”, I meant the crowd could literally begin shooting crap at you. Basically, the crowd was too drunk to want to pay attention, and those that did thought they were participating in some sloshed McLaughlin Group, with every joke being a chance for a drunk slunt (look it up) to try to make the show all about them. Oy vey. I felt like I should’ve started my set with, “We, who are about to die, salute you!” But that was just last night and I needed blog material. I’ve also been a part of some great Friday late late shows there. Just sayin’…last night’s crowd stunk out loud.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the passing of two showbiz greats. Yesterday, Sin City lost one of it’s biggest performers, Danny Gans. He died in is sleep at age 52. I never got to see Danny Gans, but whenever I was planning a trip to Vegas, my parents would always tell me to go to his show. He was a musical impressionist…not exactly my brand of vodka, but everyone tells me he was amazing…

Also, last weekend, the world lost Bea Arthur. Instead of thanking her for being a friend, I thought I’d share a rare clip of her with the late great Harvey Korman in… The Star Wars Holiday Special. I shit you not. Stick with it, she shows up about a minute in. Enjoy.

Bea, we hardly knew ye…

See you tomorrow…