Category: funny

Last Minute

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Avatar, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Ninja Assassin, Thanksgiving, Wii fit

Hey there ‘Redheads… I managed to will myself out of my Thanksgiving food coma to shoehorn one last blog into these waning minutes of November. I hope everyone had a gullet-stuffing Turkey Day. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone…

I was a little disappointed in my overall Thanksgiving consumption. I didn’t pace myself and I filled up too quick. Maybe I overdid it on spinach & artichoke dip while taking in the slate of football. Hindsight is 20/20, even though my field of vision started narrowing as the meal went on. When it was time to head home, I had to punch an extra notch in my seat belt. The only door buster deals for me were the ones I tried to wedge myself through. If I hadn’t pushed away from the table, and maybe gone after another helping of pie, the medics would’ve needed to knock out a wall to get me. Meals like that are the reason I don’t own a scale…or a Wii Fit. Wii Fit is an amazing little device, though. I hopped on one at a friend’s house, and it was able to analyze my level of physical fitness, then it went online and called the paramedics. It also makes recommendations about different foods to eat. I think it told me not to buy any green bananas.

I’ve also been gorging myself on an unhealthy amount of cinematic mayhem as well. Over the weekend, I caught 2012 and Ninja Assassin. My expectations were low to middling for both, thus allowing me to be pleasantly surprised. When I first saw the ads for 2012, I figured it was going to just be an fragile candy shell of CGI destruction with no real velvety nougat to hold things together. The scenes of global annihilation are very well done. I’m pretty sure this was given away in the previews, but a tsunami dumps an aircraft carrier onto the White House. You also get to see California slide into the Pacific and Woody Harrelson get carbonized by a volcano erupting out of Yellowstone National Park. All of this on it’s own would be pretty ho-hum, but leave it to the unassuming John Cusack and his plucky family unit to find a compelling way to survive. It was also nice to see that Oliver Platt found work. I’m pretty sure the Mayans predicted that, too.

Now, if you like your mass killing a little more up close and personal, then might I recommend Ninja Assassin. This movie isn’t just a bloodbath, it’s a blood jacuzzi. It’s a classic tale of bloody betrayal, bloody revenge, and the resulting bloody stumps. This is the latest offering from the Wachowski brothers, who produced the flick. It does have some cool Martixy imprints on it. Their patented bullet-time effect is translated to ninja shurikens that rain death from the shadows, turning their targets to quivering piles of slurry. My only complaint, was that since ninjas operate mostly in the dark, some of the action was tough to keep track of. But there’s so damn much action going on that you’ll find a blood geyser no matter where you look. It’s got everything you want from this kind of flick: ninjas and a renegade bad ass former ninja that kills the previously mentioned ninjas with various pointy objects.

The one movie that looks like it’s going to be a giant load of crap, is Avatar. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some James Cameron. Aliens and Termintaor 2 are two of the greatest pieces of sci-fi action ever made. This just looks like it’s going to be an over-bloated, over-preachy piece of 3-D garbage. Don’t think that putting Sigourney Weaver and cheap imitation space marines in there will fool anybody, Mr. Cameron. Don’t be like Lucas and cheapen the dork memories we cherish with weak story-telling propped up by not-so-special effects. Stan Winston would not be pleased.

Ok, enough with the geek rant. Sorry about that.

That’s all for now. The balcony is closed.

Running Lapse

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bohemian rhapsody, comedy, funny, holidays, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, muppets, procrastination, Redskins, Terps, Volt

Hey there ‘Redheads… As per usual, I started off this month with the best of blogging intentions, but apparently I couldn’t procrastinate more if I had a flux capacitor. It can’t be helped. It’s who I am… It’s what I do…eventually. Let’s not focus on the moments that’ve been frittered away. Let’s live in the now. At least momentarily, until I start telling you about the crap that happened during this most recent lapse.

The holiday season has descended upon us again. Here’s a holiday fun fact: Going to the grocery store for incidentals the week of Thanksgiving is the worst idea in the long sad history of bad ideas. Glaciers move faster than the checkout line I got stuck in. The lady at the front of the line was paying in food stamps. Behind her was a lady who was paying by check, then asked for cash back. I half expected the next person in line to make the transaction in wampum. I don’t mind wasting time, but when it’s being leeched from me, that’s when I get ornery. In the spirit of the impending Turkey Day, I offer a cornycopia of mild amusement. Giblets, at least.

This is one of my favorite times of the year for sports, when pro football and college basketball overlap. Unfortunately, this give my teams twice as many chances to stick a fork in my heart and twist. I just turned off the TV in disgust as the Terps got done making Cincinnati look like the alien team from Space Jam. We’re all crust and no cheese to stop up the middle. It’s early in the season, but this was our first test and we overslept. And, this just in, the Redskins still suck. They are to sucking what I am to procrastinating. It’s a gift. Light cannot escape them. It doesn’t help that their injury report is getting thick enough for Dan Snyder to use as a booster seat. Here’s a video from the ‘Skins sideline during the Cowboys game…

Last night, I had the weirdest dream. I was a contestant on Project Runway, and the challenge was to make an outfit out of Legos. Should it bother me that my dreams are about reality shows? I’m hoping tonight I can get on Top Chef and show off my mad George Foreman skills. Speaking of Top Chef, I got a medium rare opportunity to dine on some four star quality grub cooked by one of the final four cheftestants. If you find yourself in Frederick, MD, do yourself a favor and treat your taste buds to Chef Bryan Voltaggio’s restaurant, Volt. I was auditioning for the show Top Boyfriend and took my funny little honey there for her birthday. It was, top to bottom, one of the best meals I’ve ever had. I would’ve happily walked the green mile after dessert. If you’re a fan of Top Chef, then you have some idea of the intricacy that goes into preparing each course. This is not the kind of dining experience where you ask them to put the sauces on the side or leave something off the plate. Place your trust in the chef and let him guide you through a gastric wonderland. Then pack your knives and go.

Here’s a new bit of eye candy for you to suck on. When is comes to Muppets, I’m an old school guy. Not much, since Jim Henson left us, has captured the madcap glee of the past. This made me smile…

Before I sign off and prepare for my food coma, I need to congratulate my good friends, Chris and Allyson, on their engagement…and you know it’s real commitment when it gets posted on Facebook. Way to go, you crazy kids.

Happy Turkey Day, ‘Redheads… To gluttony! And to be continued…

Blogtoberfest

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Blogtober, Columbo, Columbus Day, comedy, Comedy Zone, domestic violence, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Iron Maiden, Jared Stern, PSA, Run to the Hills

Hey there ‘Redheads… Short turnaround from the last installment for a change. I wanted to bolster Blogtober and sneak in a quickie before my comedy road trip this weekend (details to follow). The mornings are starting to get chilly out there…good sleeping weather. The past couple mornings, willing myself out of bed has taken longer than Uma Thurman trying to wiggle her big toe in Kill Bill.

I hope everyone had a swell Columbus Day. I celebrated in the traditional way. By gambling, drinking firewater, and cranking Iron Maiden’s Run to the Hills… Sing along, won’t you?

Anyone else find it mildly ironic that most of DC wanted to run the Redskins out of town today? I could’ve sworn somebody was running a blanket drive down at Fed Ex Field. Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch the sky fall when they lose to the Chefs (great googily moogily) next week.

I feel like Columbus must’ve fired his PR firm, because he’s been getting a heap of bad press these last couple of years. The focus has shifted from sailing the ocean blue and discovering America to that whole decimation of the Indians thing. Some people have started referring to it as Indigenous People’s Day. Others choose to celebrate the life and work of Peter Falk.

Speaking of PR firms, I’d love to meet the team behind this PSA…

Thanks to comedy compadre, Andy Kline for this little gem. Apparently, this new spot was created to address the recent upswing in domestic violence in Memphis. Which begs the question, how annoying are families in Memphis? Maybe they should just make one to run during Blue’s Clues to let the kiddies know, “Don’t wanna die? Don’t cry.” Run one on Oxygen that tells the ladies, “Don’t want to be twitchin’? Quit yer bitchin’.” I’m also available for children’s parties, by the way…

In the last installment, my cinematic pick to click was the gruesome zomedy, Zombieland. It’s splatterrific. But, if an over-the-top gorefest isn’t your cup of bile, might I suggest having the bejeezus scared out of you by an understated demon possession. Go see Paranormal Activity. It’s in the same low-budget vein as The Blair Witch Project, but this one actually lives up to the hype. This flick is nightmare fuel. My only complaint was with the jerky camera work that this style of film making requires. Nothing like some nausea to go with your heart attack.

I’d like to announce that I’m still in the running for the Nobel Prize for Procrastination. Should hear from the committee any day now…

For those of you in the West Virginia area, I’ll be at the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV this weekend. Always nice to see some friendly faces in the crowd. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya in a few…

Four… Score.

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Adam Dodd, comedy, fantasy football, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kanye West, MTV, NFL, Redskins, VMAs

Hey there ‘Redheads… This introductory part of every installment, where I apologize for not blogging in awhile, then make a few witty self-deprecating statements designed to lower your expectations, while piquing your curiosity to read further… Yeah, I’m having some trouble with that. Let’s just take it as a given and move on, shall we? There’s alot to get to. Where to start? Didja see those VMA’s? Howabout that rabble rousing upstart, Kanye West ruining poor Taylor Swift’s big moment, huh? Wow, and then Beyonce graciously giving Taylor a chance to finish her acceptance speech. Oh, and howabout anybody still giving a shit about MTV? Really, people. Get a hold of yourselves. Arguing over who is more deserving of a video music award is kinda like arguing over who would be faster in a race, if they were both gerbils. It’s arbitrary and irrelevant. And it was probably staged anyway. If this incident proves anything, it’s that Kanye West doesn’t care about white people. I think my feelings can best be expressed in song…written and sung by Adam Dodd…

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, on to stuff that matters… Like fantasy football. I went 2-2 over the weekend. My four fantasy teams had me crunching numbers like Rain Man on meth. Again, I won’t bore you with all the statistical minutiae, but the Minnesota Vicarious are going to be a hypothetical force to be virtually reckoned with this season, with a passing attack that includes Drew Brees, Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne, and Santonio Holmes. Just sayin‘…

In real NFL goings on, I’d like to thank Jake Delhomme for his 5 turnover performance on Sunday, because it gives me an excuse to trot out one of my favorite lines… *ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away in a dog neutering facility. And scene. Howabout those Redskins, huh? That offense is a garbage fire. If you go into halftime and your punter has scored your only touchdown, I think it’s time to stop basing your game plan on a previous night’s bar bet. The defense didn’t do much better. I’ve heard of the bend-but-don’t-break defense, but this squad did the kind of bending that is usual reserved for Cirque du Soleil. It’s a long season, and this was just the first game, but the ‘Skins appear to have more holes than the Penthouse Invitational golf tournament.

The inevitable zombie uprising got a little more rhythm, as we lost Patrick Swayze yesterday. He finally got put in a corner by pancreatic cancer. Of course, he’ll be remembered for his iconic roles in Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Road House, Red Dawn, and Point Break, but I’ll always remember him for this little number…


Swayze, we hardly knew ye…

For those of you who give a crap and are curious about this installment’s title, today (or yesterday now) marks this blog’s 4th anniversary. I started this exercise in self importance shortly after moving in to Stately Stern Manor. Thanks for reading…and for not impeaching me.

To be continued…

Everlasting Blogstopper

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Chris White, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Indian Head, Jared Stern, North Carolina, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Blogust is just about over and, once again, I’m just about overdue. But, since we had a clog in the blog supply lines, there’s been a build-up of content…a bountiful corny-copia of anecdotes and witticisms await you. Sound the feasting horn. I’m just getting back to the grind after six straight days of shows and roughly 1300 miles driven.

I’ll get to that timeline in a bit, but first let’s wind the clock back 10 days to tell you about the show I did in Indian Head, MD with my good buddy, Chris White. I don’t know if you realize this, but Indian Head is a place of great historical significance. Maybe you read the book when you were a kid. Indian Head is where the sidewalk ends. There wasn’t much out there, except for the building excitement for the comedy cluster bomb we were about to drop.
We descended upon the Black Box Theater armed with good intentions and middling expectations. The place seated 85. We drew 23, elevating the show to rumor status. Those in attendance saw the premiere of our latest video sketch, which, if you’ll dim the lights at your desk, I’ll now show you. Enjoy The International Guilt-Off…

Please to make us viral. Or at least bacterial. Make it worth a handi-wipe.

On to my week-long mild amusement tour of North Carolina. My trip was kicked off by my truck’s air conditioning compressor going kablooey, costing me roughly what I’d be making for the week. Good thing I don’t do this for the money…oh wait. With the repair done just in time for me to make the initial 6 hour schlep, I made my way to the first stop, Lake Norman. The show was above a fun little Irish pub called The Galway Hooker. Located directly across the street was a pole dancing school. There’s a recital I want to attend. I peeked in the window to take a gander…very clean mirrors. We had a surprisingly packed house for a Tuesday night. Good times. After the show, I got to talking to one of the hostesses at the bar downstairs. The conversation turned to future plans and she mentioned that her dream was to be an underwater welder. Add a midget playing bocce ball, and that would be an actual dream I once had. Apparently, underwater welding is a highly paid vocation. Probably because they know how to light a torch underwater. It makes me wish I had pursued that underwater basket weaving degree…to have a skill to fall back on.

Wednesday was a night off from the slate of shows, but I still wanted to be comedically productive. Luckily, my buddy John Betz Jr. lives in Raleigh and was able to to get me on a showcase he was headlining at Charlie Goodnight’s. When I got to Raleigh, I had some time to kill before meeting John at the club. Turns out, Goodnight’s is a stone’s throw from NC State, so I figured why not take a stroll through campus and see just how tough it is for a 33 year old to blend in. It’s back to school time, so there was a huge outdoor poster sale going on for the disaffected youth to adorn their dorms. I took a look at the selection. They were the same goddamn posters they sold when I was in college 12 years ago. Reservoir Dogs, Scarface, Pulp Fiction…don’t these kids have any cultural references of their own that’re worth slapping on a wall? After about a half hour of walking around in the heat, my ass crack became more of an ass creek, so I retreated to the car for an much needed blast of air conditioning. I scanned through the local radio stations and landed on a gospel station. They went to their station meteorologist for a weather report. I half expected him to say, “Whatever happens, it’s God’s will. Back to you.” It finally came time for the show, which was an open mic all stars show. A collection of the club’s finest regular local comics…and me. If you’ve never had the pleasure, do yourself a favor and get down to Goodnight’s. The Wednesday showcase was sold out and the crowd was amazing. Can’t wait to get back there.

After basking in the warm glow of Raleigh, it was off to Greenville for a show at the Comedy Zone. I’m a big fan of any place where you perform in the same location as your accommodations. It makes it easier to stumble to bed without risking injury. Good thing, because in Greenville I was introduced to sweet tea vodka. Holy crap, could I get into alot of trouble with that stuff. Not since somebody gave a baby a hand grenade has a combination been so dangerous. My one complaint about this trip through NC was the lack of sweet tea guzzling. The last time, with all the sweet tea I drank, I brought home a great souvenir of the trip…diabetes. The show went ok. A bit too much slack-jawed gawkery for my taste, but they can’t all be winners.

The rest of the trip went great. I’ve exhausted all the major tidbits, and I’m a smidge exhausted myself. Before I finish up, I’d like to unabashedly plug a few local shows I have coming up…

Friday, Aug. 28th – I’ll be making my return to the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy Show up in Baltimore. The line-up is pretty stacked… Andy Kline, Hampton Yount, Aparna Nacherla, and possibly Dr. Doom…you heard me.

Saturday, Aug. 29th –

Sept. 13th – I’ll be opening up for the musical comedy duo, God’s Pottery, at DC9…more info to come, but mark your calendars accordingly.

To be continued…

I Is, Therefore I Am…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Danny Rouhier, Facebook, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, John Hughes, status

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, it’s Blogust, and I’m bored at work. So, why not wring some self-importance out of the spongy mass that does my thinking for me? This installment is a string of my favorite status updates from Facebook over the last month or so… I know, try to control yourselves. Some of these actually meet this blog’s standards of mild amusement. After you get done, I promise to have a couple videos and pictures to make up for that time you’ll never get back. So, put on your water wings, strap on your goggles, and take a dip in Lake Me…

Jared Stern started the day with toast… It may well be all downhill from here…

Jared Stern hopes Twitter gets back online, so I can resume not giving a shit…

Jared Stern bought the audio book for the Yellow Pages… Turns out, I really can listen to Morgan Freeman read the phone book…

Jared Stern is going to hit Rock Bottom tonight… The bar, not the figurative personal abyss…

Jared Stern thinks Victoria’s Secret should help the ladies during the economic slide and come out with a Financial Support Bra…

Jared Stern would like very much for the person who has my voodoo doll to stop with the poking… Thanks.

Jared Stern found out that today is National Tequila Day… Which makes tomorrow National Day of Regret…

Jared Stern heard some pundit say that health care reform could be Obama’s Waterloo, and now I have the chorus of that goddamn ABBA song stuck in my head…

Jared Stern suffers from Occasional Fatigue Syndrome…

Jared Stern came very close to committing seppuku with a golf pencil at trivia tonight, but our team roared back to win and dishonor was averted…

Jared Stern can’t get no statusfaction…

Jared Stern is drifting off into the black sleep of Kali Ma known as Zyrtec…

Jared Stern gained superhuman quickness when I realized my car might’ve been towed… Luckily, it wasn’t… Back to sloth mode…

Jared Stern forgot to read the instructions before I went to bed… My mattress has the sleep number of the beast…

Jared Stern isn’t sure… I’m either wishing I was asleep or dreaming that I’m awake…

See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

A note to all of you hacks out there who insist on doing a Bill Cosby impression in your act, and think all it takes is mentioning a pudding pop. This is how it’s done…

That’s comedy buddy, Danny Rouhier on the radio with Joe Robinson and Mike Aronin. Note that aside from a question addressed to him, there is no mention of Jell-O pudding in the 4+ minutes of spot-on Cosby. He could host Picture Pages with that impression. So, unless you’re that good, maybe it’s time to drop Coz from the repertoire…and ixnay on the Ocidile-cray Unter-hay, while you’re at it.

Add another clip to the In Memoriam montage at this year’s Oscars… Director John Hughes died of a heart attack yesterday while on a walk in New York. Walking. The silent killer. Like everyone else in my age bracket, his movies were an integral part of our teen angst-riddled 80’s upbringing. Weird Science and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off are two of my personal favorites. Mr. Hughes, we won’t…forget about you…

To be continued…

Me Vs. Food

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bogey's, challenge, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kent, Man Vs. Food, The Stuanator

Hey there ‘Redheads… The last couple months since the blog whirlwind of May have been kinda slack. That’s all about to change… Welcome to Blogust. Aside from the gimmicky name, there probably won’t be any extra effort exerted on my part, but at least it sounds like I’m trying. Blogust won’t be lacking as far as stuff to blog about. This month is jam packed comedy-wise for me. It all kicked off this past weekend at Bogey’s Comedy Club just outside of Cleveland, OH.

Big thanks to Kirk and the rest of the fine folks at Bogey’s for making my first trip there a good one. I had a fun weekend with headliner, Nathan Timmel. We entertained dozens of people. Stupid summer time… C’mon, people… Why wouldn’t you want to spend your evening in a dark room, laughing at brightly lit idiots? We had fun with the people who chose to carpe noctem.

When you’re on the road, the shows are only half the fun. The other half is finding something entertaining to tick away the moments that make up a dull day. An easy way to kill a couple hours is at a movie matinee. Been there. Or maybe walk the local mall. Done that. I chose to challenge myself…to test my limits…to take a bite out of the giant burrito of life. Enter: Mike’s Place in Kent, OH. Home of The Stuanator…


The Stuanator is a double-decker cheeseburger sub, with six 1/2 pound burger patties, two kinds of cheese, french fries and curly fries, along with the usual fixin’s. Only 11 people have attempted to finish this behemoth in the allotted 30 minutes. To the victor go the spoils of a free t-shirt, a free sandwich, and immortality…until you keel over from the coronary. Only 2 have succeeded. I’m a glutton for…gluttony, so I figured I’d give it a go. When I announced that I’d be attempting the Stuanator, I became a celebrity inside the restaurant. People were snapping shots of me with their camera phones. One lady asked me to sign her menu. I had no idea what I was in for…


This was no sandwich. It was a space station. I started strong, despite my opponent being fresh and hot. My pace was slowed once I realized the enormity of the task in front of me. Absolutely everything had to be finished, down to the last pickle, for the challenge to be complete. Despite the swell of inspiration from witnessing the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest a scant month ago, and the words of encouragment from random gawking patrons, I was outmatched by this Das Boot of a submarine sandwich. I could feel my extremities getting tingly, and my field of vision started to narrow…


I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and I threw in the napkin. My eyes, and the sandwich for that matter, were bigger than my stomach. The owner, in his benevolence, gave me a free t-shirt for the attempt and they’re going to put my picture on the wall. May it serve as a warning to the next brave soul who might dare to plunge his fork into the heart of this Herculean hoagie. And no, I didn’t get a to-go box…


Yes, Mike’s Place now holds a special place in my heart…and colon. Keep an eye peeled in the weeks to come, the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel will be making its way down to Mike’s in the Fall to try and tame this hulk of a hero.

More blog soon…

No Animals Were Harmed…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, fly, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, PETA, swat

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Friday night, and what better way to kickstart the weekend than sit here in my boxers and type out a quick blog, while my Chipotle steak fajita burrito prepares to reenact the escape scene from Shawshank Redemption? That’s right, there is no better way. So, I don’t know if you caught this banner headline, but President Obama finally got tired of all the buzz around him…

After the interview, President Obama won the All Valley Karate Tournament. Good to see the President is keeping his swat hand strong. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that CNBC is using the BREAKING NEWS graphic here, by the way? If he pointed to the camera and said, “You’re next, Kim Jong Il,” then maybe that would qualify. Aside from being a funny little unscripted presidential moment, who gives a damn? You guessed it. PETA. They’re pissed because Obama didn’t cup it in his hands and release it like a dung-eating dove. C’mon PETA, did you expect him to open negotiations or something? I’d like to take a quick moment to congratulate myself for not using the phrase “no fly zone”…you’re welcome. You’d think PETA would have bigger leafy green things on its plate, what with trying to make fish cuter… This is from the PETA website:

Would people think twice about ordering fish sticks if they were called sea kitten sticks? Learn more about our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names.

Well, first of all, we still eat hush puppies, so I don’t think a cutesy name is going to keep me from a tuna sandwich. I’m a big fan of, “our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names…” Howabout we change PETA’s name. Would people think twice about ignoring them if they were called Self-Righteous Douche Puppets? Or maybe we can just reword everything PETA says to make it sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Not a sermon, just a hastily put together thought.

I want to remind you guys about a kick ass show this Father’s Day Sunday at Union Jack’s in Bethesda. Jake Young, Mike Way, Jeff Maurer, Jon Mumma, and yours truly as your host, spread the joy starting at 7:30. This show is FREE. Click here for all the deets.

See ya there…

Flaky

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, Hayden Panettiere, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, spelling, tattoo

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 26 of Blog-A-Day in May. One thing I pride myself on, is better than average grammar and spelling. Sure, I have the crutch of spellcheck to lean on, but I still spell pretty good. Comes from learning to type on an Apple IIc…before spellcheck existed. It also helps when you make words up. Anywho, enough of me beating my syntactical chest. Today, I spotted two glaring errors that are pretty tough to let slide.

The first comes to us from DC’s own Washington Natinals…

Once again, they stopped just shy of misspelling DC, but this time they at least tried to distract from the blunder with…a grinning bobblehead.

You remember President Teddy Rossevelt. He came right before President Kraft and right after President McCheese. This club has some mental block against O’s…oddly enough, they suck slightly more than the O’s.

The other spelling misstep also came with a built-in distraction, as it was inked on Hayden Panetierre…

HOLLYWOOD – Hayden Panettiere may be regretting the tattoo running down her left side. The 19-year-old actress has a tattoo which reads “Vivere senza rimipianti” – an Italian phrase. The only problem is the tattoo is misspelled. Instead of “rimipianti” the actual spelling should be “rimpianti.”


And the fly in her chardonnay? The tattoo means, “Live without regrets”. Kinda like when some douchebag gets an Asian character on his arm because it looks cool. He thinks it means “Flying Dragon”, but anyone who can read Mandarin knows it means “Chicken Fried Rice”. It helps that she’s hot and most people can’t read Italian that isn’t on an Olive Garden menu.

See ya tomorrow…

BabyQ

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bbq, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re in the home stretch with Day 25 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anything to blog about in this installment. Then something struck me. I went to three BBQs this extended weekend, and there was a baby at all of them…and there was baby news that broke at two of them. That’s a 1 to 1 baby to BBQ ratio. I think it’s grounding to have a baby in close proximity while you’re gorging yourself, because you and the kid share the same baseline thought process. Eat ’til you cry, belch, get sleepy, maybe poop, then repeat step one. I ate myself into a slight stupor, taking breaks only to coat my screaming skin in a thin aloe glaze. All in all, a fun weekend.

As for the baby news, wish a mazel tov in my sister’s general direction. She’s got another bun in the oven…any more buns and she’ll rival the Pillsbury Doughboy. On the plus side, you guys will have some cute baby pictures to coo at by the end of the year. On the minus side, my sister may have to move into a shoe.

I hope you did your part to remember the sacrifices our military men and women have made and continue to make so that we have the freedom to do trivial three-day weekend stuff. Even if it was sitting on your couch watching the NCIS marathon.

See you tomorrow…