Category: http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

Prognostication, Baby…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in barking, comedy, heckling, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, NCAA, St. Patrick's Day

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I don’t have a clever coherent framework for all of the crap I want to get to in this installment, so pardon me if today’s batch of self-important blather seems a little scatter shot.

I hope everyone has let their livers sleep in a couple hours the last couple days to prepare for the all-day pickling it’s going to get on St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick was apparently the patron saint of blacking out and holding your hair while vomiting. I’ve reached that certain age when drinking for distance no longer does anything for me. Sure, I’ll wear some green and kick a ginger, but you won’t see me out at a bar wading through a sea of Guinness. That is ground zero for drunken douchebaggery. I’m Jewish, so I can’t give up crap like that for Lent. The Jewish equivalent would be called Owed, I guess. I’m here all week. Try the fish fillet. But none of that matters, because everyone is Irish on St. Patty’s Day. Even these guys…

I did a show up in Timonium, MD, which was named for the element on the periodic chart that conducts polite chuckling, on Sunday. I encountered the strangest form of heckling I’ve ever received. Towards the end of my set, a couple drunken Timoniites started growling and barking at me, just enough to throw me off my Swiss precision joke rhythm. I tried to ignore it, mostly because addressing it directly meant bringing everything to a screeching halt to deal with people who weren’t going to care or understand what I had to say in response. Plus, on the off chance one of them genuinely had Tourette’s, I didn’t want to look like a dick. I made some lame joke about them eating kibble and shutting the fuck up. Did I mention I’m horrible with hecklers? So many better comebacks showed up late to my brain as I was driving home. “Y’ever see Old Yeller, asshole?” or “Howabout to go back to the bar and sniff your friend’s ass?” or “Play dead.” I just wanted to vent that out, because I’d never heard of anyone growling or barking at a comedian before.

I can’t let that bother me, because it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Tourney Time. The time when my productivity plummets (granted, it doesn’t have far to fall) as I crunch all of the numbers, knowing that my brackets are going to be more brittle than Haiti’s infrastructure. This year, just about anybody can take it. I’m hoping this is the year that a #16 seed beats a #1 seed. And I hope that #1 seed is Duke. So, just to get my picks on record, here are my picks to click for the NCAA Tournament…

-In the Midwest corner of the bracket, where my Terps reside, referred to as the “group of death”, it’s going to come down to the winner of Georgetown vs. Ohio St. I’m a homer, so I picked the Hoyas over the Buckeyes to get to the Final Four. I love my Terps, and I have them making a respectable run to the Sweet 16, but that’s all.
-From the West region, I’ve got Syracuse in a cake walk to the Final Four as the only #1 seed to make it.
-Out of the East, where I have Cornell making it to the Sweet 16, I’ll take Texas to reclaim the perch they got knocked off of early in the season and make it to the Final Four.
-In the South, where I have Duke losing in the second round to Louisville, I think Baylor makes it to the Final Four.
-So, Georgetown faces Syracuse for the fourth time this season with a shot at the national championship on the line and two Texas teams go at it on the other side of the bracket. I’ll take Syracuse vs. Baylor for the championship. Go Orange. Now, look for Syracuse to lose to Vermont.

Let the games begin…

Spring-a-ding-ding

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Bea Arthur, Best of DC, comedy, Corey Haim, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, oscars

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Spring is here. I know this because I saw one of the first signs of Spring…bird crap on my car. I’m glad you stopped by. The weather has been pretty great lately, so I realize you’ve been spending less time cooped up indoors in front of the warm glow of your computer screen. But none of us can ignore the digital siren song of distraction for long, calling to us with witty status updates, links to shiny videos, or the gently whispered promise of fleeting friendship. We all crave pupil dilation and rapid eye movement and the sun can only provide so much. You’ve seen one beautiful Spring day, you’ve pretty much seen ’em all, but how often do you see crap like this…?

Speaking of celebrity death…ok, if I was typing this in 1988 it would be speaking of celebrity death, but the world is less one Corey today as Corey Haim was found dead of an apparent drug overdose. He’s best remembered for being in Lucas and The Lost Boys, and for being mistaken for Sean Astin in The Goonies. Like most faded child stars from the 80’s, he recently tried to milk the Tiger Beat teat one last time in a reality show called The Two Coreys with the slightly less emotionally scarred Corey Feldman. Now he has to wait a whole year to get on that Oscar segment, but I suppose he’s got nothing but time now. Corey, we hardly knew ye…

One last thing before I sign off. I want to harness the power of my tens of readers out there to VOTE FOR ME FOR BEST BLOG IN THE CITY PAPER’S BEST OF DC 2010. If I’m going to lose another arbitrary popularity contest, I’m going to go down swinging. Sure, it’s an honor just to be nominated, but I nominated myself, so I’d rather get my name in the paper. So, if you enjoy the blog even slightly, click the link and love me a little. Voting ends on March 15th, so get clickin’…

To be continued…

Eye Candy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Abraham Lincoln, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Ok Go, video

Hey there ‘Redheads… Peel your peepers and prepare to behold three massive doses of concentrated awesome. I recommend you take breaks in between each video. Your mind might begin to reject reality if you try to take them all in continuously. The rest of your day will look a lot less interesting by comparison. Enjoy…

Now go get some insulin.

To be continued…

Live From Clayton…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in boner, comedy, curling, easy bake oven, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, LOL Comedy Club, Sea World, Winter Olympics

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from Tobacco Road, by the banks of the Sweet Tea River. I’m sitting in the hotel lobby in Clayton, NC, mass murdering the minutes before my shows tonight at LOL Comedy Club. Before I get started, I’d like to apologize for the last post. It stunk out loud and I feel bad for even pushing the publish button. After making you wait so long (play along) you deserved something that even slightly made sense. Well, now I’m fueled by pulled pork and sweet tea and ready to mildly amuse you.

A couple deaths to start things off… After being missing since Valentine’s Day, actor Andrew Koenig was found dead of an apparent suicide. You know him better as Boner from Growing Pains. Don’t expect any Boner jokes here. I didn’t make the connection until today, but he also played the Joker in a pretty awesome Batman fan film, Batman: Dead End. Please to enjoy it…

Boner, we hardly knew ye… On the lighter side of death, my buddy Seth tipped me off to this recent passing…

Ronald Howes Sr., the inventor of the Easy Bake Oven that millions of young girls used to bake their first cookies, cupcakes and brownies, has died at the age of 83. Howes, who also created defense weapons and printers, developed the Easy Bake Oven while working at Kenner toys in the early 1960s.

According to his wishes, he’ll be cremated. That’ll be awhile. Then, there’s the big story about the killer whale that lived up to its name at Sea World. I’ve been watching that harridan from HLN, Jane Velez-Mitchell, out shout a trained animal expert about the incident. He’s had 40 years experience with animal training and she’s a bottom feeder. I’m sure these trainers know the risks of getting into a tank with a killer whale, but they’re not allowed to have pedophile whales at Sea World. Think of the children!

Like the rest of you, I’ve been intermittently transfixed by the pageantry of the Winter Olympics. Anyone else disappointed that the Ethiopians didn’t send a delegation to compete in skeleton? There, that slice of evil should make up for the earlier lack of a Boner joke. Some people are also confused by curling. I got a chance to try curling recently, and I have a new found respect for curlers. I was set straight on curling. The sport requires a flexibility normally reserved for Spider-man’s stunt double. Sure, it looks like bowling spliced with the ice capades, but it there’s skill involved. I’m glad that technology hasn’t taken over curling. They could eliminate the sweeping and just toss a Roomba down the ice, but thankfully, tradition has prevailed.

That’s all for now… Back to my room to watch more crap.

To be continued…

Snow Means Snow…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Avatar, Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, Cozzy's, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow, Super Bowl

Hey there ‘Redheads… Remember, in the last installment, when I told everyone to just get a hold of yourselves, and not give the impending snow an imposing name because it would only serve in blowing everything out of proportion? Well, upon further review… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! Ok, nature, we get it. Enough with the cold fluffy death from above. I wasn’t in town for the brunt of it, but I was watching the Georgetown game on ESPN and they kept showing exterior shots of the Verizon Center. 30+ inches in some places. You know it’s a lot of snow when it’s not safe to let midgets roam free. And now, we need to brace ourselves for potentially 20 inches or more. If this next storm maxes out, snowplows aren’t going to cut it. We’re going to need AT-ATs. When nature flexes it’s muscle, why fight it? I think it’s a great chance to appreciate the beauty behind the brute force. This morning I saw where the weight of the snow had brought down a tree on top of a speed camera. Now that’s fuckin‘ beautiful. Clock that, you asshole.

Like I mentioned, I was able to skip town before the area got completely frost bitten. I made it down I-95 to one of my favorite comedy clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. I wasn’t able to escape the weather entirely. We got torrential rain, which turned to snow, which turned to ice. No major accumulations, but just enough to make residents lose their minds. In order to keep from going completely stir crazy in my room that didn’t have a functional remote control, I ventured out to the local multiplex. The only thing that was starting when I showed up was Avatar. I wasn’t keen on seeing it, but any port in a storm. I had heard all the reviews… 3-D visuals with a 2-D story. I’ll admit it. The 3-D was pretty cool. A pinata from which an endless stream of eye candy spilled. I’m pretty sure I got eyeabetes. My left eye was a bleary bloodshot mess after mainlining nearly 3 hours of smurftastic special effects. It was not ungood…

Not Cameron’s best, by a long shot, but it will change the way you watch movies…they’ll be more expensive now.

Once the weekend fun was done, I had to make the trek back home. I was moving at a pretty brisk clip, until I reached the rain/snow line near Fredricksburg. I-95 was a caked on mess. It was so pock marked with potholes, you’d think it had been renamed Edward James Olmos highway. The last 40 miles of my trip took roughly 2 hours, but I made it home to find a parking space carved out and my power and heat running. Not only that, but I got home in time to warm my cockles by watching my Terps beat the tar out of North Carolina. Coupled with a great win for the Caps, that would normally be a great sports weekend, but there was still the Super Bowl left to play. I enjoyed the game. It was close, there were some great signature plays, and the Colts lost, so I was happy… The one thing that irked me was the combined point total, and that it wasn’t higher than the age of the band playing halftime. Seriously, The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl. The ads were ok. Nothing really stood out among the talking babies and the screaming chickens.

After you dig out of the snowverkill, come dig me in Charm City this weekend…Print out this coupon and drinks are on the house…Bask in the warm glow of mild amusement.

To be continued…

SNOW-LY CRAP!!

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Cozzy's, Darth Vader, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow

Let’s try and get a hold of ourselves, ‘Redheads… Everyone is losing their minds over the impending storm that’s going to make The Shining look like an instructional video. Computer models have shown that the DC Metro area will turn purple on Friday morning. We’re going to get grimaced. People are already predicting that schools will be closed for at least two days after the storm. It’s the Snow-pocalypse!… SNO-MG!… Snow what?, that’s what I say. After the dumping we got a month or snow ago, you’d think we could handle ourselves. That last snow wasn’t measured in inches, it was measured in shit-tons. Everyone made it out just fine. I’d like you guys to help me out with a snowcialogical experiment. After the storm shutters you in for the weekend, I’d like you to keep a record of how much bread you consume, how much milk you guzzle, and your instances of ass-wipage. I’m pretty positive it’s not going to be much more than your average two day consumption. Snow calm the fuck down.

Once again, the snow is picking a fine time to drop in. Just in time to fuck up everyone’s weekend plans. I speak specifically of anyone who has comical obligations on the eastern seaboard. Shows will probably be cancelled and I’m hoping that mine aren’t among them. I’m performing in Newport News, VA this weekend at one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s. The snow is supposed to start falling around 10am on Friday, which is when I’ll be hopping in the car to head south, where birds go to get away from this crap. I blame the groundhog for this. Six more weeks of winter all because some yutz in a top hat held a rodent up with the sun at its back. Maybe Apple can help… I’ll make a sled out of iPads and call it the iDitarod. I wish I could enjoy the snow as much as an eight year old…or Darth Vader, but I got someplace to be and this is a white fluffy pain in my ass. Hey, speaking of Darth Vader…

David Prowse, the British actor who physically played Darth Vader in the original three ‘Star Wars’ films, has announced he’s made a full recovery from prostate cancer.

Technically, James Earl Jones made the announcement.

See you guys when I get back, just in time for the SuperSnowl…

iBlog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in apple, comedy, Favre, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, iPad, Jared Stern, NFL, playoffs, State of the Union

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re not even a month into 2010 and my blog muscles have begun to atrophy. Well, what’s not done is done. Let’s pretend you’ve missed me and move on. So, I just got done watching as much as my ADD would let me of the State of the Union address. I am not a political wonk (I’m more of a Willy wonk) but, from what I could piece together between flipping channels, Barack killed it. It’s so nice to have a president who is a comfortable public speaker. When Bush gave his SOTU’s, I always thought it was a neat trick when he’d keep talking while Cheney sipped his glass of water.

I’ve also been enjoying the bally-hoo surrounding the latest Apple gizmo, the iPad. This is basically an iPod touch for people with fat fingers and bad eyesight. It’s the giant calculator of our generation. When it comes to Apple products, I enjoy the classics…Old Reliable, the Apple IIc. Sturdy. Dependable. The thing is old enough to legally rent a car and it still works. The screen is a piercing monochrome green. I’ve absorbed enough radiation from it over the years that now, whenever I become angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. The picture of it takes up more memory than it has. But now you crazy kids have your newfangled iPads. I think I remember seeing an ad for it awhile back…

On the sports front, it was nice to finally see a couple compelling NFL playoff games. That Vikings/Saints game was one of the best playoff games in recent memory. I’d like to thank the Vikings for letting me dust off one of my favorite lines to describe their 5 turnover performance… *Ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away at a dog neutering facility. Despite putting the ball on the ground (lookin’ like a fool with your ball on the ground) that many times, they were still in a position to win the game in the closing seconds. I don’t fault Favre for tossing that last interception. He was getting pounded like a veal cutlet for the whole game, so he was probably seeing double at that point. But then the game went to overtime, and this fierce contest between these two great teams was put in the hands of the refs and the review booth. An absolutely hideous pass interference call put the Saints in field goal range, and that was it. I’m not unhappy with the prospect of a Saints/Colts Super Bowl, but no amount of confetti could cover how crappy the end of that game was.

On Saturday night, I’m performing in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with Jason Weems, Erik Myers, and Aparna Nancherla. They sold out the 8:00, so a 10:30 was added. Do yourself a favor, click on the link, and get your grubby mitts on some tix, while the getting is good. Even if you’re sick of me, this show is gonna be dynamite.

To be continued… iPromise…

Randomimity

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Conan O'Brien, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mark McGwire

Hey there ‘Redheads… This recent cold snap has put a freeze on my planned blogging schedule, because I’ve been burning blog ideas for warmth. Jumpin‘ Jim Brunzell it’s cold. I wanted to shimmy a quick one in before the witching hour, so I just have a couple random tidbits for ye.

First, a quick word problem. On my way to work this morning, I spotted a man driving a sedan with a pink candy paint job, Louis Vuitton logos and dollar signs patterned on the roof and hood, and on the back was written “Bubble Gum Hunter” in pink. At 35mph, how fast should I call the cops?

The big sports news is Mark McGwire’s admission that he took steroids while he was putting baseballs into orbit en route to breaking Roger Maris’ hallowed single season home run record. Quite the revelation. Mark McGwire also revealed that his name is Mark McGwire. Most of us were convinced when he stood before congress and said, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” The only way we were going to be shocked was if, mid press conference, he did this. I’d like to state, for the record, that I have never taken performance enhancing drugs. And it shows.

Another shocking bit of news is that The Jay Leno Show sucks so bad that light can’t escape it. So, NBC decided to lance the boil on the ass of it’s prime time line-up. As a result, they’re giving Conan O’Brien a peacock right up the ass, trying to shove his Tonight Show to midnight to wedge Leno’s cartoonishly large chin in at 11:35. Well, Conan is wound up, and not just because Jay is torquing that knife in his back. When the dust from this shit storm settles, Jay will get his way, Conan will probably head up to FOX, and Jimmy Fallon will have the freakin‘ Tonight Show essentially fall in his lap. Which will make this picture seem all the more impressive…

In the wake of NBC’s shameless treatment of Conan O’Brien, I’d like to take a moment to shed some light on an oft overlooked problem…

Please give.

One quick plug before I wrap up. On Saturday, Jan. 30th, I’m part of a dynamite line-up at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. Me, Chris White, Erik Myers, Jason Weems, and Aparna Nancherla. Even if you’re sick of me, this’ll be a great show. It will sell out. Get your tix by clicking here.

To be continued…

Happy New Blog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, future, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, invention, Jared Stern, pillow hat

Hey there ‘Redheads… Well, we’re a week deep into a new decade. And I’m starting things off on a foot that’s asleep. I’ve done a big fat pile of jack so far. I wanted to get something down here, so the month doesn’t completely slip away from me. I get less done all day than most people do before 6am.

In the last installment, I wondered what the next cool futuristic scientific advancement lay ahead, since this is the future now (when? just now). Would it be the flying car, or teleportation, or a new M. Night Shyamalan movie that doesn’t suck? Well, I think I may have found it. BEHOLD…
The Pillow Hat. We dared to dream the impossible and now we can do that dreaming propped up against a wall. The bed is obsolete. With the Pillow Hat, the world is your bed. You combine this with a Snuggie and nap your brains out. You’ll need to hire someone to update your haircut and tell you who the president is when you finally do awaken. A great gift for the narcoleptic in your life. If the prospect of perpetual nap time doesn’t tickle your futuristic fancy, and you prefer a mechanical metaphor, then maybe this handy new gadget is for you…

This machine’s sole purpose is to turn itself off. I’ll take two.

More to come soon…

AsiNine

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 2009, 2010, comedy, hot tub time machine, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, resolution

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s the last installment of ’09. I really wish I had something worthwhile and at least knee deep to impart to you as we hurtle into the next decade, but I gave up on trying to be profound a long time ago. I am amatuerfound, at best. I’d also like to be able to reflect back on the year that was, but my mind has the retention of an etch-a-sketch in the hands of an epileptic during a Pink Floyd laser show. In order to reminisce, one must first be able to…minisce. So, let’s discuss the year ahead, 2010. Resolutions perhaps? Well, there are a lot of things I’d like to accomplish. The usual stuff. Advance the comedy career, look less like a tub of goo, blah blah blah. It’s all talk right now, as it has been every year around this time. What I’m saying is, my resolutions aren’t exactly 1080p. One thing I do plan to do is to streamline the blog a bit and make the entries more concentrated and more frequent. I aspire to daily, but let’s take baby new year steps. If you think about it, blogs are the magazines of the next decade, if they weren’t already. Don’t expect a swimsuit issue, but you won’t get those annoying subscription cards, neither.

Maybe I’ll finally write the mediocre screenplay that’s been stewing in my head for all these years. It’s the classic struggle of good vs. evil, with a plucky band of heroes up against unimaginable odds. If I can find a way to shoehorn vampires into it, I think it’ll be worthy of an MTV Movie Award. What I’m trying to say is, dare to dream, people. Or you could just pick random words out of a bingo ball tumbler and write a movie around that, like these guys did…

I hope we finally get some cool sci-fi stuff to finally become reality in 2010. Not that pocket-sized computers aren’t cool, but I was told we’d have hoverboards by 2015 and I want to have a year or so to enjoy them before the impending Mayan apocalypse. Let’s get cracking, science.

Thanks for taking a couple minutes out of your year to check out the blog. Let’s do it again in ’10. See you next year…