Category: Jared Stern

Blog… B-L-O-G

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bee, comedy, Comedy Zone, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, spelling

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 28 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I’m feeling downright geusioleptic. Yeah, I just got done watching the National Spelling Bee, which emanated live from the Hyatt in downtown DC. You know that has to be a rockin’ afterparty. Half the fun of tuning into the bee is to watch these socially handicapped kids as they take a tension-filled stroll down Sesame Street with Asperger’s syndrome. The other half is to watch Tom “Will Host For Food” Bergeron fill with patter that makes Fred Willard in Best In Show look like Jim Lehrer. Sorry about that last sentence…this video sympathizes with you…

Moving on… I think to help prep these kids for their high school futures, they should get an atomic wedgie as a consolation prize upon elimination. I hope these kids can adjust and eke out a passable social life. It’ll get awkward when one of the guys is on a date and asks the girl for her country of origin. If “Can I use you in a sentence?” qualifies as a pickup line, you better learn to use loneliness in a sentence.

If you’re in the Greensboro, NC area this weekend, come check me out at the Greensboro Comedy Zone. Two shows Friday and Saturday. Click the link for tix and info.

See you Friday…

So You Think You Can Blog…?

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kim Jong Il, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… Day 27 of Blog-A-Day in May is upon us, and things are starting to fall apart…mostly on my face. The peeling stage of my sunburn has set in, and my forehead is snowing forehead skin…flakes. Forehead Skin Flakes…part of a disgusting breakfast. They’rrrre GRRRROSS!!

Now that I’ve given most of you the dry heaves, I can address the other thing that is falling…the sky. The oompa loompan dictator, Kim Jong Il is rattling his sabre again and this time he just might have a weapon of mass destruction under that phone book he’s sitting on. He’s threatened to attack U.S. ships that try to stop any weapons shipment from North Korea. If that happens, we’re gonna have to throw down. To help calm any jangled nerves over the possibility of World War III, I’ve included a video to help take the North Korean threat a little less seriously…

I know I feel better.

See you Thursday…

Flaky

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, Hayden Panettiere, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, spelling, tattoo

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 26 of Blog-A-Day in May. One thing I pride myself on, is better than average grammar and spelling. Sure, I have the crutch of spellcheck to lean on, but I still spell pretty good. Comes from learning to type on an Apple IIc…before spellcheck existed. It also helps when you make words up. Anywho, enough of me beating my syntactical chest. Today, I spotted two glaring errors that are pretty tough to let slide.

The first comes to us from DC’s own Washington Natinals…

Once again, they stopped just shy of misspelling DC, but this time they at least tried to distract from the blunder with…a grinning bobblehead.

You remember President Teddy Rossevelt. He came right before President Kraft and right after President McCheese. This club has some mental block against O’s…oddly enough, they suck slightly more than the O’s.

The other spelling misstep also came with a built-in distraction, as it was inked on Hayden Panetierre…

HOLLYWOOD – Hayden Panettiere may be regretting the tattoo running down her left side. The 19-year-old actress has a tattoo which reads “Vivere senza rimipianti” – an Italian phrase. The only problem is the tattoo is misspelled. Instead of “rimipianti” the actual spelling should be “rimpianti.”


And the fly in her chardonnay? The tattoo means, “Live without regrets”. Kinda like when some douchebag gets an Asian character on his arm because it looks cool. He thinks it means “Flying Dragon”, but anyone who can read Mandarin knows it means “Chicken Fried Rice”. It helps that she’s hot and most people can’t read Italian that isn’t on an Olive Garden menu.

See ya tomorrow…

BabyQ

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bbq, comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re in the home stretch with Day 25 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anything to blog about in this installment. Then something struck me. I went to three BBQs this extended weekend, and there was a baby at all of them…and there was baby news that broke at two of them. That’s a 1 to 1 baby to BBQ ratio. I think it’s grounding to have a baby in close proximity while you’re gorging yourself, because you and the kid share the same baseline thought process. Eat ’til you cry, belch, get sleepy, maybe poop, then repeat step one. I ate myself into a slight stupor, taking breaks only to coat my screaming skin in a thin aloe glaze. All in all, a fun weekend.

As for the baby news, wish a mazel tov in my sister’s general direction. She’s got another bun in the oven…any more buns and she’ll rival the Pillsbury Doughboy. On the plus side, you guys will have some cute baby pictures to coo at by the end of the year. On the minus side, my sister may have to move into a shoe.

I hope you did your part to remember the sacrifices our military men and women have made and continue to make so that we have the freedom to do trivial three-day weekend stuff. Even if it was sitting on your couch watching the NCIS marathon.

See you tomorrow…

Qing

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in bbq, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 24 of Blog-A-Day in May and I am stuffed. Just got back from a BBQ at my buddy Greg’s house. I’m full of beer, bratwurst, burgers, brownies, and ribs…and I smoked my first cigar in about 5 years. Happy on the inside, still in large discomfort on the outside. Most of my friends cringed when they saw my lobster-like appearance. They’re of the opinion that I absorbed enough solar radiation to get super powers. Apparently, I have the ability to wince while sitting, showering, and sleeping.

Since I’m in pain, I figured I’d inflict some. Behold this classic shitburger. In the spirit of the weekend, this one will stick with you for years to come… You’re welcome.

See you Monday.

OUCH

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in beach, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, ouch, sunburn

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 23 of Blog-A-Day in May, and today’s installment is extra crispy. I hurt. When I was tallying up the BBQs for this weekend, I neglected to include myself on the list. Allow me to explain.

A gaggle of my friends and I trekked up to Sandy Point State Park for a day of fun and sun. I’ve never been a big beach guy. Sand gets everywhere, I don’t much care for the ocean, and the beach itself is littered with hot pointy objects, but I figured it’d be fun with the right company. And it was. We tossed frisbees around, played Yahtzee, and I flew a kite for the first time since I was eight. All the while, the sun beat down. I guess I didn’t apply the sunscreen as liberally as I should’ve (there’s also a theory that the stuff I did put on had expired). You’ve heard of being sun kissed? I got sun molested. My legs, my arms, and the back of my neck are red and stingy. I photosynthesized pain. If you look at the dividing line on my legs from where it goes from pasty to beet red, I look like the crappy part of Neapolitan ice cream. I’ve been slathering myself in aloe to help prevent molting, but I have a funny feeling that, come tomorrow, I’m going to be flakier than a Greek pastry. If you see me, please resist the urge to dip me in drawn butter.

See you Sunday…

Double Deuce

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, L.A., May, memorial day, scientology

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 22 of Blog-A-Day in May. And it’s Memorial Day weekend…hug a vet…buy a mattress. Since my trip out to fabulous Youngstown, Ohio got derailed, I’ve got the whole lazy weekend off to do lazy weekend things…like laundry…and overeating. In the coming days, I have 3 BBQs, a trip to the beach, and a possible crab feast on my plastic plate. Just a heads up to the EMTs who’re taking bets on my stomach contents in the ER.

I was hanging out with a couple other local comics last night, and we were discussing a bunch of random things over a pitcher of beer and some nachos. I’m not sure how the topic of Scientology came up, but an interesting point was made. The main problem with Scientology isn’t that it’s based on science fiction, but that it’s based on bad science fiction. Why couldn’t they be following the teachings of Douglas Adams? They all get issued a towel and the basic tenet is “DON’T PANIC!” Sounds pretty simple to me.

Thanks to my buddy, Jake Young for hipping me to the following video. It’s a girl trying to convince an actor friend of hers that L.A. isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Enjoy…

Looking for a unique comedy experience? Check out the Geek Comedy Tour at Alliance Comics in Silver Spring on Saturday night…

See you Saturday…

21

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, mash-up, May, mp3, music

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’ve got about 13 minutes to get Day 21 of Blog-A-Day in May in the books so I can keep this streak alive. In lieu of an amusing anecdote, I thought I’d take a couple whacks at the musical pinata and let some delicious ear candy pour out. So, fire up your iPods and enjoy the flowing tapestry of toe-tappery…

The Devil’s Highway
AC/DC – Highway To Hell
Van Halen – Runnin’ With The Devil, I’m The One, And The Cradle Will Rock, Eruption

Metallica Goes To Punjab
Metallica – The Four Horsemen
Punjabi MC – Mundian Back To Me

Maiden Goes To Hollywood
Iron Maiden – The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax, Welcome to the Pleasuredome

And, because Terminator: Salvation is now in a theater near you…
Bale Out
The Christian Bale rave out remix

See you tomorrow…

Bracketology

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Adam Lambert, American Idol, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Stan Bush

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 20 of Blog-A-Day in May. Shame on those of you who didn’t vote for Adam Lambert on American Idol. Actually, coming in second on that show is the best thing that could happen to him. First of all, he doesn’t get saddled with that albatross of a song that is the winner’s first single. This is the eighth season, and none of the final songs has been more than pseudo-inspirational pablum. If they’re going to insist on the power ballad about achieving your dreams, then they should hire the master of the genre, Stan Bush.

If you aren’t swelling with the inner fire to tackle your demons in the eye of the angry hurricane, then check for a pulse. This’ll be the first time I’d actually buy an American Idol contestant album. I’ve been waiting to hear him cover Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden, but I think that’ll be a long wait.

On a smaller scale of competition, I took part in a comedically gladiatorial contest tonight. I took the stage at the Comedy Spot to spit hot fire in the first round of the May Madness tournament. This is an NCAA-style bracketed tournament…so, sixty-four comics in total. We were very lucky to have a great responsive crowd to handle the laughing duties. The interesting thing about the format is that it truly is a head-to-head match-up, so I only had to beat one other comic tonight. I was up against the very funny, Kyle Martin. Other great clashes included Jake Young vs. Big Al Goodwin, Lucas Bohn vs. Eddie Bryant, and Vince Barnett vs. Lisa Lanham. Here’s how the rest of the bracket breaks down…so you can fill one out and start a pool…

After tonight’s show, with the top left bracket, Sonny Fuller, Al Goodwin, Adalah Banks, Eddie Bryant, Vince Barnett, Ayanna Dookie, and yours truly advanced to the round of thirty-two. Should be a fun bunch of shows. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya Thursday…

Bump on the Road

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads…  We’re up to Day 19 of Blog-A-Day in May…all downhill from here, in every sense of the phrase.  As you might remember, part of the purpose of the blogal experiment was to chronicle the whirlwind road schedule I had on my plate this month.  From a heaping helping of Harrisburg, to a decadent dinner of DC, the next course on the menu was a yummy…yam…of Youngstown (you try to alliterate with “y”).  Well, turns out we had to send that dish back.  When I called the Funny Farm in Youngstown to confirm my weekend there, I discovered I was working with a guy called “Closed For Renovations”.  

So, I’ll be spending Memorial Day weekend here at home.  Fear not, I’ll still have some comedy exploits to foist upon you as I’m competing in the May Madness tournament at the Comedy Spot.  64 comics go head to head in a bracket-style tournament for the eventual grand prize of $6,000.  I’m on the first show of the competition with local heavyweights Big Al Goodwin, Jake Young, Lucas Bohn, and Tim Miller.  Should be a great show.  Click the link for tix and info.
See ya tomorrow…