Category: Jared Stern

Technocrap

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jeff Ross, May, technology

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 18 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I’m caught in a quandary…a technological quagmire…and a couple other huge Scrabble moves. On the one hand, I got a brand new cell phone, with 3G technology that puts the world at my fingertips. However, these fingertips might as well be on the one hand of an Amish guy who just awoke from a five decade long coma. These fancy blinking lights frighten and confuse me…and these buttons are proud. I am at the mercy of these machines of convenience. Do you know what I realized today? I don’t know anyone’s actual phone number. I just push the button and take completely for granted that this tiny box will call my friends and family. When the possibility that my contact list might not transfer from my old phone to my new one, my left arm went numb. I felt like Burgess Meredith from that Twilight Zone episode where he’s the last man on earth, he has all of the books he could ever want to read and all the time to read them, then his glasses break. Of course, you probably haven’t seen it, since it was a black and white episode and Burgess Meredith wasn’t training Rod Serling to fight Clubber Lang.

Not only am I behind the curve with the phones, but I can’t get a goddamn video to upload. My computer can only handle the frame rate of a flip book, apparently. I picked up an HD video camera in the hopes of becoming a YouTube sensation. I recorded my above average performances from the Improv over the weekend. When I try to input the footage into my computer, it’s like trying to force feed an elephant…to a smaller elephant. So, no I don’t have any video reconnaissance of my great shows at the DC Improv. I may instead convey it through interpretive dance. Stay tuned.

Big thanks to the DC Improv for another amazing slate of shows. For those of you who watch Dancing With the Stars, check out Tuesday’s show. Jeff Ross will be roasting the three finalists and I’m hoping he uses the joke I gave him. It’s a fat joke aimed at Steve Wozniak about how the stars on the show orbit him. Keep an ear peeled. If I can figure out how to turn on the television, I’ll be watching too…

See ya then…

Puzzling

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, dave barry, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May, phone, washington post

Hey there ‘Redheads… Day 17 of Blog-A-Day in May is here and with it, some minor challenges. First, aside from this blog, I’m pretty much incommunicado. My cell phone had been on life support for a couple days, and this morning it took its last gasp and emptied its bowels. Now I have to get a new phone, but I don’t want something that’s essentially a giant whistle with a bell on it, with a monthly bill of a pound of flesh. I just want to be able to text, talk, and take decent pictures with it. In the meantime, I’m training a carrier pigeon. So far, I can get mine to crap in Morse code.

Today, I took part in the Washington Post Hunt, a confounding scavenger hunt through the streets of downtown DC, using clues in the Washington Post magazine to solve puzzles that would give Rube Goldberg a migraine.

The sky was slightly overcast, which is convenient because it took a group of rain men to win the damn thing. My group and I went from puzzle to puzzle, noodling through the clues and we were sure that we figured everything out and that all of the other near 5,000 competitors were retarded…until it came time to fit all the puzzle pieces together and we realized that everyone else was playing Vulcan chess while we were playing tiddly-winks. Once again, hubris, thy name is Jared. Even though we didn’t taste victory, I did manage to snag a picture with one of the Hunt’s organizers and one of my favorite humorists, Dave Barry…

One show to go tonight at the DC Improv with Jeff Ross. The weekend has been amazing thus far. I shot some video last night, so I’ll have something postable tomorrow…and some more pictures.

‘Til then…

Every Breath I Take…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, fumes, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 16 of Blog-A-Day in May. Boy howdy am I draggin’ ass today. Normally, when I’m playing a club in town, I try to work my schedule so I’m not working the day job on Saturday. No such luck this time around, so I had to be up at 7:00am after getting to bed at around 2:00am.

A bit about what I do to pay the bills. I work at an auto parts and supply store. Nothing glamorous, but I can pay my mortgage on Stately Stern Manor, and they give me time off for road gigs. One of the primary services we offer is custom mixing car paint for body shops. So, the bulk of my day is spent in the paint room, breathing in technicolor. Think Fantasia meets How Green Was My Valley (I’ll wait while you click over to IMDB). Of course, we have giant exhaust fans to help disperse the vapors, but for the most part I spend my day huffing paint fumes. I’ve been doing this for awhile and it hasn’t pancakes accordion doorstop to me yet. When I die, I plan to donate my lungs. I’m going to have them backlit and hung up at the Hirschhorn…it’ll be trippy.

Another great pair of sold out shows at the Improv last night. I’m being spoiled rotten by the crowds. Seriously, the audience at the DC Improv is a gift. I’m going to try to get some video of tonight’s shows and hopefully I’ll have some clips for you guys on Monday.

See you tomorrow…

The Ides…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 15 of Blog-A-Day in May. If my calculations are correct, I’m at the midpoint of this month-long exercise. What better time to look back on the two week trail of tripe…? Sure, some of you might see this for a veiled attempt to pass off regurgitation as regular content. Just think of me as the mama bird, feeding you chirping chickadees…I’m running on fumes today…roll with it. And now the Top 3 best lines/blurbs so far…

3. From Day 4, the transcript of an IM I had with my sister about my nephew Mo’s recent spill…

Lauren: yeah, don’t know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad…

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days…didn’t look like our little moshe

Jared: awww… poor kid… he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d…but he’s really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth… the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that’s how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair… he’s wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey… i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, “told ya”

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said “told ya”

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don’t read… books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

2. From Day 6…

I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn’t shock me in the slightest. She said, “Because I constantly zip around the room.” And I added, “And because we clap when we believe you exist.”

1. From Day 12, reflecting on the death of munchkin, Mickey Carroll…

This story got me to wondering…how many munchkins are there left? The annual meeting of the Lollipop Guild probably takes up half a booth at Chuck E. Cheese now. There was another story in the news today about how Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are paying the nursing home bills of the last remaining Titanic survivor. We’re down to two Golden Girls now too. What generational icons will we have when we get to that age? I mean, I’ve already started the clock waiting for the cast of The Hills to die.

Shows at the DC Improv for Friday and Saturday are SOLD OUT. The only tix available are for Sunday. Get ’em while the gettin’ is good.

See you tomorrow…

Two Weeks

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, DC Improv, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’ve hit the two week mark of Blog-A-Day in May. Thanks for sticking around so far. Not a whole lot to tell you. Just got back from a sold out show at the DC Improv with Jeff Ross. I’m told the rest of the weekend is pretty much sold out except for Sunday, so get your tickets while the gettin’ is good. Go to DCImprov.com for all of your ticket-buying related activities. In lieu of actual content, may I offer you some seafood…?

Lorenzo Lamas AND Debbie Gibson. That stink isn’t the fish.

See you tomorrow…

Bill Blogworthy

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Spinal Tap, Washington Capitals

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 13 of Blog-A-Day in May and, unfortunately, it’s an unlucky 13 for the Washington Capitals, whose playoff hopes were flattened and melted into the ice by the zamboni of defeat.

Lucky for me, I wasn’t available to witness the slapshot in the teeth the Caps took tonight, because I was at the Warner theater witnessing the majesty of rock and the mystery of roll, courtesy of Britian’s loudest rock band, Spinal Tap. More specifically, their alter-ids, Harry Shearer, Michael McKean, and Christopher Guest. They were doing a largely acoustic set of songs from A Mighty Wind, Waiting For Guffman, and, of course, This Is Spinal Tap…

For those about to rock *urp* We salute you…

The show, as seen through a cataract…

Amidst the exodus of goofy white folk…

‘Twas a great show. Michael McKean’s wife, Annette O’Toole even made an appearance to do some guest vocals. One of the funniest bits they did was reading verbatim the material that network censors found objectionable from This Is Spinal Tap. Here’s a bit of that…

Come laugh at me at the DC Improv this weekend, with Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

‘Til tomorrow…

‘Zen

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, munchkin, old people

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 12 of Blog-A-Day in May…tired of me yet? Here’s hoping the answer is a big fat no. Today, I have some sad news to pass along. We’re short one munchkin. Mickey Carroll, the munchkin town crier who actually says the line, “Follow the yellow brick road,” is now in the Emerald City in the sky.
May a flight of winged monkeys sing thee to thy rest. This story got me to wondering…how many munchkins are there left? The annual meeting of the Lollipop Guild probably takes up half a booth at Chuck E. Cheese now. There was another story in the news today about how Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are paying the nursing home bills of the last remaining Titanic survivor. We’re down to two Golden Girls now too. What generational icons will we have when we get to that age? I mean, I’ve already started the clock waiting for the cast of The Hills to die.

Remember: DC Improv this week, Thursday – Sunday, with headliner Jeff Ross. Go to DCImprov.com for tix and info. Come laugh at me.

See ya tomorrow…

Eleven

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, nhl, Washington Capitals

Hey there ‘Redheads… The Blog-A-Day in May train keeps a-rollin’ 11 days strong. It’s nearly as impressive as the Washington Capitals’ playoff run. I just got finished watching the Cardiac Caps cheat sudden death once again to force another game 7 at Verizon Center on Wednesday. If the Caps keep this up, the fans won’t have any hearts left to break if things go south. I don’t know where your sports loyalties lie, but you can’t do much better than the NHL playoffs right now.

While watching the game, I noticed that one of my favorite sports names is on the Penguins roster…Miroslav Satan. I’m not rooting for him, but that’s a bad ass bit of stitching on the back of that jersey.

Just a quickie today…see you tomorrow…

Mother Load

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, electronic cigarette, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, open mic, Wolverine

Hey there, ‘Redheads…  Happy Mother’s Day to that special lady that spawned you.  And Happy Day 10 of Blog-A-Day in May…a greater accomplishment that labor? The jury is out.  We had a couple close calls the last two days.  I plan on picking up the slack on those two anemic posts with a robust, six-pounds-of-shit-in-a-five-pound-bag post.  And away we go…

Big thanks to the fine folks at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for a fun weekend.  Once again, the Harrisburgers were delicious.  I went up a day early to check out the Thursday open mic that is run by comedy buddy, the hilarious Sonya King.  The show took place in the bar adjacent to the main comedy showroom.  I’ve been pretty lazy about getting out to open mics, and this hammered home why.  Eight comedians, including me…four audience members.  When you can tell each person in the audience their own personal joke, it’s not much fun for anyone.  Everyone soldiered through with a smattering of…I think it takes at least ten hands to count as applause…this was disinterested clappery.  The comics attempted to workshop as much as we could.  It’s rough for the Harrisburg comedy community.  That open mic is pretty much the only game in town for them.  I talked to a couple guys who schlep all the way to DC to get time.

Since I went up a day early, I had the extra day to kill on Friday.  No better was to shoot time in the face than going to the local mall to gawk at the locals and catch a flick.  Some good dork fare out this weekend.  I chose mutants over Klingons and plunked down my money for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I’ll resist the urge to nitpick the dorky comic book aspects of the film. From what I remember of the comics, the movie didn’t butcher too much. My one major complaint was the waste of Ryan Reynolds. I’ve been a fan of his ever since Van Wilder. I can listen to him read the phone book and I’d be entertained. And once again he was great…for the first ten minutes of the movie, then he was just explained away while Will.I.am took a more prominent role. It’s a good thing his character could teleport, because he certainly couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. My other big complaint was with the logic of the nefarious General Stryker, who makes Wolverine indestructible, by lacing his bones with a super-metal, then gives orders for his men to kill him…by cutting his head off…with a herring. Yeah, I’m a huge dork.  Two adamantium claws up.
On my way out of the theater, I saw one of the dumbest things to cross my eyes in recent months.  At a kiosk outside the multiplex, a guy was hawking electronic cigarettes…

Want cancer but hate getting judged for it? Then this handy dandy item is for you. They might as well just cut out the middle man and sell rechargeable tumors.

Big week this week.  Not only am I going to see Spinal Tap on Wednesday, I’m back at the DC Improv from Thursday to Sunday with the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya Monday…

Still on the Fritz…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, May

Hey there ‘Redheads… My laptop that I brought on the road with me is still being uncooperative (and keeps calling me “Dave” for some reason) so, I’m going to put the turd in Saturday and just pop another place holder in here so I can keep the Blog-A-Day in May streak alive. Once I get home tomorrow, I’ll be fully operational again and I can properly foist my hackery upon you without any further technical impasse… Your patience is appreciated.

See you on Mudder’s Day…