Snow Means Snow…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in Avatar, Baltimore Comedy Factory, comedy, Cozzy's, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow, Super Bowl

Hey there ‘Redheads… Remember, in the last installment, when I told everyone to just get a hold of yourselves, and not give the impending snow an imposing name because it would only serve in blowing everything out of proportion? Well, upon further review… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! Ok, nature, we get it. Enough with the cold fluffy death from above. I wasn’t in town for the brunt of it, but I was watching the Georgetown game on ESPN and they kept showing exterior shots of the Verizon Center. 30+ inches in some places. You know it’s a lot of snow when it’s not safe to let midgets roam free. And now, we need to brace ourselves for potentially 20 inches or more. If this next storm maxes out, snowplows aren’t going to cut it. We’re going to need AT-ATs. When nature flexes it’s muscle, why fight it? I think it’s a great chance to appreciate the beauty behind the brute force. This morning I saw where the weight of the snow had brought down a tree on top of a speed camera. Now that’s fuckin‘ beautiful. Clock that, you asshole.

Like I mentioned, I was able to skip town before the area got completely frost bitten. I made it down I-95 to one of my favorite comedy clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. I wasn’t able to escape the weather entirely. We got torrential rain, which turned to snow, which turned to ice. No major accumulations, but just enough to make residents lose their minds. In order to keep from going completely stir crazy in my room that didn’t have a functional remote control, I ventured out to the local multiplex. The only thing that was starting when I showed up was Avatar. I wasn’t keen on seeing it, but any port in a storm. I had heard all the reviews… 3-D visuals with a 2-D story. I’ll admit it. The 3-D was pretty cool. A pinata from which an endless stream of eye candy spilled. I’m pretty sure I got eyeabetes. My left eye was a bleary bloodshot mess after mainlining nearly 3 hours of smurftastic special effects. It was not ungood…

Not Cameron’s best, by a long shot, but it will change the way you watch movies…they’ll be more expensive now.

Once the weekend fun was done, I had to make the trek back home. I was moving at a pretty brisk clip, until I reached the rain/snow line near Fredricksburg. I-95 was a caked on mess. It was so pock marked with potholes, you’d think it had been renamed Edward James Olmos highway. The last 40 miles of my trip took roughly 2 hours, but I made it home to find a parking space carved out and my power and heat running. Not only that, but I got home in time to warm my cockles by watching my Terps beat the tar out of North Carolina. Coupled with a great win for the Caps, that would normally be a great sports weekend, but there was still the Super Bowl left to play. I enjoyed the game. It was close, there were some great signature plays, and the Colts lost, so I was happy… The one thing that irked me was the combined point total, and that it wasn’t higher than the age of the band playing halftime. Seriously, The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl. The ads were ok. Nothing really stood out among the talking babies and the screaming chickens.

After you dig out of the snowverkill, come dig me in Charm City this weekend…Print out this coupon and drinks are on the house…Bask in the warm glow of mild amusement.

To be continued…

SNOW-LY CRAP!!

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Cozzy's, Darth Vader, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, snow

Let’s try and get a hold of ourselves, ‘Redheads… Everyone is losing their minds over the impending storm that’s going to make The Shining look like an instructional video. Computer models have shown that the DC Metro area will turn purple on Friday morning. We’re going to get grimaced. People are already predicting that schools will be closed for at least two days after the storm. It’s the Snow-pocalypse!… SNO-MG!… Snow what?, that’s what I say. After the dumping we got a month or snow ago, you’d think we could handle ourselves. That last snow wasn’t measured in inches, it was measured in shit-tons. Everyone made it out just fine. I’d like you guys to help me out with a snowcialogical experiment. After the storm shutters you in for the weekend, I’d like you to keep a record of how much bread you consume, how much milk you guzzle, and your instances of ass-wipage. I’m pretty positive it’s not going to be much more than your average two day consumption. Snow calm the fuck down.

Once again, the snow is picking a fine time to drop in. Just in time to fuck up everyone’s weekend plans. I speak specifically of anyone who has comical obligations on the eastern seaboard. Shows will probably be cancelled and I’m hoping that mine aren’t among them. I’m performing in Newport News, VA this weekend at one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s. The snow is supposed to start falling around 10am on Friday, which is when I’ll be hopping in the car to head south, where birds go to get away from this crap. I blame the groundhog for this. Six more weeks of winter all because some yutz in a top hat held a rodent up with the sun at its back. Maybe Apple can help… I’ll make a sled out of iPads and call it the iDitarod. I wish I could enjoy the snow as much as an eight year old…or Darth Vader, but I got someplace to be and this is a white fluffy pain in my ass. Hey, speaking of Darth Vader…

David Prowse, the British actor who physically played Darth Vader in the original three ‘Star Wars’ films, has announced he’s made a full recovery from prostate cancer.

Technically, James Earl Jones made the announcement.

See you guys when I get back, just in time for the SuperSnowl…

iBlog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in apple, comedy, Favre, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, iPad, Jared Stern, NFL, playoffs, State of the Union

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re not even a month into 2010 and my blog muscles have begun to atrophy. Well, what’s not done is done. Let’s pretend you’ve missed me and move on. So, I just got done watching as much as my ADD would let me of the State of the Union address. I am not a political wonk (I’m more of a Willy wonk) but, from what I could piece together between flipping channels, Barack killed it. It’s so nice to have a president who is a comfortable public speaker. When Bush gave his SOTU’s, I always thought it was a neat trick when he’d keep talking while Cheney sipped his glass of water.

I’ve also been enjoying the bally-hoo surrounding the latest Apple gizmo, the iPad. This is basically an iPod touch for people with fat fingers and bad eyesight. It’s the giant calculator of our generation. When it comes to Apple products, I enjoy the classics…Old Reliable, the Apple IIc. Sturdy. Dependable. The thing is old enough to legally rent a car and it still works. The screen is a piercing monochrome green. I’ve absorbed enough radiation from it over the years that now, whenever I become angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. The picture of it takes up more memory than it has. But now you crazy kids have your newfangled iPads. I think I remember seeing an ad for it awhile back…

On the sports front, it was nice to finally see a couple compelling NFL playoff games. That Vikings/Saints game was one of the best playoff games in recent memory. I’d like to thank the Vikings for letting me dust off one of my favorite lines to describe their 5 turnover performance… *Ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away at a dog neutering facility. Despite putting the ball on the ground (lookin’ like a fool with your ball on the ground) that many times, they were still in a position to win the game in the closing seconds. I don’t fault Favre for tossing that last interception. He was getting pounded like a veal cutlet for the whole game, so he was probably seeing double at that point. But then the game went to overtime, and this fierce contest between these two great teams was put in the hands of the refs and the review booth. An absolutely hideous pass interference call put the Saints in field goal range, and that was it. I’m not unhappy with the prospect of a Saints/Colts Super Bowl, but no amount of confetti could cover how crappy the end of that game was.

On Saturday night, I’m performing in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with Jason Weems, Erik Myers, and Aparna Nancherla. They sold out the 8:00, so a 10:30 was added. Do yourself a favor, click on the link, and get your grubby mitts on some tix, while the getting is good. Even if you’re sick of me, this show is gonna be dynamite.

To be continued… iPromise…

Randomimity

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, Conan O'Brien, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mark McGwire

Hey there ‘Redheads… This recent cold snap has put a freeze on my planned blogging schedule, because I’ve been burning blog ideas for warmth. Jumpin‘ Jim Brunzell it’s cold. I wanted to shimmy a quick one in before the witching hour, so I just have a couple random tidbits for ye.

First, a quick word problem. On my way to work this morning, I spotted a man driving a sedan with a pink candy paint job, Louis Vuitton logos and dollar signs patterned on the roof and hood, and on the back was written “Bubble Gum Hunter” in pink. At 35mph, how fast should I call the cops?

The big sports news is Mark McGwire’s admission that he took steroids while he was putting baseballs into orbit en route to breaking Roger Maris’ hallowed single season home run record. Quite the revelation. Mark McGwire also revealed that his name is Mark McGwire. Most of us were convinced when he stood before congress and said, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” The only way we were going to be shocked was if, mid press conference, he did this. I’d like to state, for the record, that I have never taken performance enhancing drugs. And it shows.

Another shocking bit of news is that The Jay Leno Show sucks so bad that light can’t escape it. So, NBC decided to lance the boil on the ass of it’s prime time line-up. As a result, they’re giving Conan O’Brien a peacock right up the ass, trying to shove his Tonight Show to midnight to wedge Leno’s cartoonishly large chin in at 11:35. Well, Conan is wound up, and not just because Jay is torquing that knife in his back. When the dust from this shit storm settles, Jay will get his way, Conan will probably head up to FOX, and Jimmy Fallon will have the freakin‘ Tonight Show essentially fall in his lap. Which will make this picture seem all the more impressive…

In the wake of NBC’s shameless treatment of Conan O’Brien, I’d like to take a moment to shed some light on an oft overlooked problem…

Please give.

One quick plug before I wrap up. On Saturday, Jan. 30th, I’m part of a dynamite line-up at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. Me, Chris White, Erik Myers, Jason Weems, and Aparna Nancherla. Even if you’re sick of me, this’ll be a great show. It will sell out. Get your tix by clicking here.

To be continued…

Happy New Blog

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, future, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, invention, Jared Stern, pillow hat

Hey there ‘Redheads… Well, we’re a week deep into a new decade. And I’m starting things off on a foot that’s asleep. I’ve done a big fat pile of jack so far. I wanted to get something down here, so the month doesn’t completely slip away from me. I get less done all day than most people do before 6am.

In the last installment, I wondered what the next cool futuristic scientific advancement lay ahead, since this is the future now (when? just now). Would it be the flying car, or teleportation, or a new M. Night Shyamalan movie that doesn’t suck? Well, I think I may have found it. BEHOLD…
The Pillow Hat. We dared to dream the impossible and now we can do that dreaming propped up against a wall. The bed is obsolete. With the Pillow Hat, the world is your bed. You combine this with a Snuggie and nap your brains out. You’ll need to hire someone to update your haircut and tell you who the president is when you finally do awaken. A great gift for the narcoleptic in your life. If the prospect of perpetual nap time doesn’t tickle your futuristic fancy, and you prefer a mechanical metaphor, then maybe this handy new gadget is for you…

This machine’s sole purpose is to turn itself off. I’ll take two.

More to come soon…

AsiNine

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in 2009, 2010, comedy, hot tub time machine, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, resolution

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s the last installment of ’09. I really wish I had something worthwhile and at least knee deep to impart to you as we hurtle into the next decade, but I gave up on trying to be profound a long time ago. I am amatuerfound, at best. I’d also like to be able to reflect back on the year that was, but my mind has the retention of an etch-a-sketch in the hands of an epileptic during a Pink Floyd laser show. In order to reminisce, one must first be able to…minisce. So, let’s discuss the year ahead, 2010. Resolutions perhaps? Well, there are a lot of things I’d like to accomplish. The usual stuff. Advance the comedy career, look less like a tub of goo, blah blah blah. It’s all talk right now, as it has been every year around this time. What I’m saying is, my resolutions aren’t exactly 1080p. One thing I do plan to do is to streamline the blog a bit and make the entries more concentrated and more frequent. I aspire to daily, but let’s take baby new year steps. If you think about it, blogs are the magazines of the next decade, if they weren’t already. Don’t expect a swimsuit issue, but you won’t get those annoying subscription cards, neither.

Maybe I’ll finally write the mediocre screenplay that’s been stewing in my head for all these years. It’s the classic struggle of good vs. evil, with a plucky band of heroes up against unimaginable odds. If I can find a way to shoehorn vampires into it, I think it’ll be worthy of an MTV Movie Award. What I’m trying to say is, dare to dream, people. Or you could just pick random words out of a bingo ball tumbler and write a movie around that, like these guys did…

I hope we finally get some cool sci-fi stuff to finally become reality in 2010. Not that pocket-sized computers aren’t cool, but I was told we’d have hoverboards by 2015 and I want to have a year or so to enjoy them before the impending Mayan apocalypse. Let’s get cracking, science.

Thanks for taking a couple minutes out of your year to check out the blog. Let’s do it again in ’10. See you next year…

All Work And No Blog…

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in blizzard, bris, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Kick-Ass, snow

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the frozen tundra. I hope everyone has dug out and are now able to go about their business. The pandemic of cabin fever around town made The Shining look like a documentary. A lot of people were excited about the snow. I call these people Eskimos. Here’s the sad truth about getting older and more practical. Snow no longer means care free frolicking. It’s a horrible inconvenience. Businesses shut down because no one can get anywhere. Luckily, I didn’t have a comedy gig this weekend, because it would’ve been cancelled. And the mere forecast of snow sends the populace into hysterics. People pile into the grocery store and ransack the aisles like they may never see sunlight again. God forbid you have to buy something simple, like toothpaste, because you get stuck in the express line behind 15 yahoos who have enough loaves of bread in their cart to build a fort out of pumpernickel. By the way, here’s a helpful shopping tip for the panic stricken masses: If the store is sold out of toilet paper, just buy extra bread. So, it’s a huge hassle for anyone who has plans that don’t involve crawling inside an animal carcass for warmth.

Such was the case for my parents and I, who needed to get up to Philly on Sunday for my as yet unnamed nephew’s bris. As of Saturday afternoon, we weren’t going to risk the trip, since we were one man short of a capable bobsled team. We decided to wait until early Sunday morning to see if the road crews made any headway. I got the call at 6am on Sunday that we were a go. I expected the trip to be a reenactment of the Donner Party. Turns out, we had a pretty clear shot up to Philly. So, without further ado, may I introduce my new nephew, Asher Yosef…
Nicknames abound for this kid. The obvious one, of course, is Ash. Until the bris, everyone has been calling him Sting because of the blond hair. Then, there’s the timeless classic, Scrunchyface McPoopypants.

And now, a tale of two trailers. When I saw Ninja Assassin recently, I saw this trailer for the upcoming comic book flick, Kick-Ass…

I was mildly interested, but not terribly impressed. It looked like a pretty tepid, kinda funny, smirk at the recent flood of superhero flicks. Today, I saw this trailer for the same movie…

HOLY. SHIT. This movie looks amazing. Take away the purple costume and this is what Natalie Portman’s character in The Professional could’ve become. Consider my ten bucks spent.

The balcony is closed. I’m going to bed. May you have a very merry and a holly jolly…

To be continued…

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, funny, Hanukkah, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Neil Diamond

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy 4th night of Hanukkah (or 5th, depending on when you read this). It’s the festival of lights, so I hope everyone is celebrating appropriately…by getting lit. With the incessant tide of yule blaring Xmas music just about everywhere you turn, I was pretty jazzed to stumble on this new take on a recent Hanukkah classic…

I think I’m going to pass on Adam Sandler’s cover of Sweet Caroline. Which brings me to the theme of this installment. I’m a big fan of movie remakes. The 2001 remake of the 1960 Ocean’s Eleven is one of my all time favorite flicks, as is the 2004 remake of 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Each one classics in their own right. So, I’m not against remaking a film as an homage or giving it a needed update to fit the times. Now that I’ve gotten that small point out of the way, may I direct your attention to the following two movie trailers. The first is for 2007’s understated British black comedy, Death at a Funeral…

And the next one is for the overstated black comedy, coming out in April 2010, Death at a Funeral…

It’s the same movie. It’s the same premise, the same plot, the same gags, the same characters, and the same goddamn midget. Except, instead of understated British humor, you get to hear Tracy Morgan say, “DAAAAAAAAMN!” Nice to know that Hollywood has outsourced its script writing to Kinko’s. I’d like to announce my plans to remake Avatar, by turning the contrast knob about three clicks to the right.

Let’s move on to happier news. I got a great Hanukkah present on Sunday in the form of a new bouncing bundle of baby nephew…
Until his bris this weekend, he has no name, but I think I’m leaning toward Hanukkah Harry. I’m sure the parents will approve.

To be continued…

Wheel A Meal

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in cheesecake, comedy, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, wheel of fortune

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I know, two blogs in one week? Can you handle the heat? Here’s a quick tidbit for your mild amusement…

I was flipping channels a couple nights ago and turned on Wheel of Fortune just as this glorious game show nugget happened…

Gee, Pat, I don’t know how she was able to solve that puzzle so fast. Maybe it was because she was picturing each letter as a slab of light-up cheesecake, slathered in blueberry topping, that security would have to use stun batons to keep her from charging the set and attempting to cram it into her gigantic, puzzle-solving maw, using Vanna to pick her teeth afterward. She probably scrawled “Cheesecake with blueberry topping” on every flat surface of the dressing room before the show, like the head pastry chef of the Overlook Hotel. That’s like having Adam Lambert on the show and the phrase be Pat Sajak’s crotch. You know what might’ve been a tough one? Salad. Like I should talk (type). Me calling someone else a fat food vacuum is the pot calling the kettle diabetic. And there’s the spoonful of self-deprecation that helps the medicine go down.

Happy Hanukkah to one and all. May you get tchotchkes, eat latkes…and drink vodkas. It’ll sound better after you look it up…

More soon…

Wide World of Sports

by jaredsterncomedy, posted in comedy, fantasy football, funny, http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post, Jared Stern, Jersey Shore, Mr T, Redskins, Ryan Conner, Tiger Woods

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’m not sure I’m ready to accept the fact that it’s a week deep into December. Time is flying like a clock in a catapult. The evidence was overwhelming on Saturday, when we got our first bit of snowfall. Luckily, I made sure to stockpile the essential bread, milk, and toilet paper before the big storm the Mayans tried to warn us about touched down and made the streets all damp. It wasn’t even good snowball weather. All it left me with was a minor inconvenience and a hankering for a milk and toilet paper sandwich.

I’d like to thank Tiger Woods for filling the void with plenty of salacious slush to frolic in. I kind of feel sorry for Tiger, mostly because of the many double entendres that exist in golf terminology. Por ejemplo, there’s no fair way to tell just how deep in the rough his balls are, but he needs to improve his lie with so many holes left to play. And it’s only too perfect that there’s nine strumpets (I’m bringing that word back) claiming he left a divot in their sand trap. Most women I’ve talked to seem to agree that the best word to describe him: Putz. Then, of course, there’s the obvious cat pun that I haven’t heard anyone make yet, so please pardon me while I make it here. He should probably change his name to *deep breath* Cheetah. I’m here all week. Try the veal.

If Tiger’s travails weren’t enough for you, then maybe you got a kick out the latest schadenfreude exhibition put on by the Washington Redskins, who outplayed the undefeated Saints for all but about two minutes of regulation. They had a chance to go up by 10 points with 1:52 remaining. Here’s a reenactment of what happened next. Viggo Mortensen represents the Saints, William Hurt represents every Skins fan watching, and the henchman with the chip shot chance to seal the deal represents Shaun Suisham…

I suppose the other henchmen represent the many missed tackles of LaRon Landry… And after that, the Skins once again failed to succeed or succeeded at failure, and for all of that effort, they got squadoosh. I know the team is embroiled in a legal fight to change their name. After this loss, may I suggest they change it to the Generals. If you got trigger happy with your remote during the game, hopefully you were able to catch this infomercial gem that was on Channel 7 during the first half…

Wow, Bachelor of the Arts Baracus hawking cookware to a paid studio audience of fools not even fit for his pity… I’m pretty sure even Dirk Benedict would’ve turned that gig down. Mr. T’s street cred shouldn’t be swayed by this tiny pock mark. After all, he got past this…

Big doings in sports that don’t exist, too. Of the four teams that I helmed this fantasy football season, a whopping one of them, The Minnesota Vicarious, was able to back into the playoffs, while another, The Most Humble, has an outside shot. As for the other two, I’m starting to come to grips with the fact that my fantasy just might be mediocrity and crippling disappointment. I’ve got it that good, apparently.

Speaking of reality, do yourself a favor and check out my comedy compadre, Ryan Conner’s breakdown of the televised collision of two trains carrying a load of douche nozzles known as Jersey Shore. Click here to feel better about yourself.

To be continued…